As a person whose livelihood requires me to be on the internet, I occasionally get swept up in the firestorm of whining and opining that is Twitter dot com. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Perhaps you even follow me, a consummate professional whose cover photo is absolutely not a Queer Eye screengrab?
If not, don’t fret; you’re not missing much. In my four-ish years as an active Twitter user, I’ve only had one tweet that has reached anything close to relevancy. It was a checklist of things every card-carrying bisexual should have at all times:
every bisexual should have:
– 2-4 leather jackets
– 1-3 iced coffees/day
– a nose ring
– anywhere from 3-30 tattoos
– an embarrassing pop punk phase
– (bonus points if you're an adult still in the pop punk phase)
– a total inability to sit in a fucking chair like a normal human
— Sam Manzella (@slmjournalist) February 21, 2019
Because I’m a caricature of myself, I’ve decided to elaborate on
my 15 minutes of fame said list. Enjoy.
Brendon Urie of Panic! At the DiscoAlberto Pezzali/NurPhoto via Getty Images
I’m cheating a bit here since I mentioned my enduring pop-punk phase in the original tweet, but Brendon Urie, Pansexual Icon of My Heart, deserves a bullet point all his own. Did the Panic! frontman singlehandedly invent sexual fluidity? No, but don’t tell his stans that (and please, do yourself a favor and give “Girls/Girls/Boys” a listen.)
Magnus Bane from Shadowhunters and The Mortal Instruments? Ambrose Spellman (who’s pansexual, but humor me) from The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina? Klaus Hargreeves from The Umbrella Academy? Do I need to spell it out for you mere mortals?! Magic is bi culture, confirmed.
Cuffed jeans (and exposed ankles) at inappropriate times
pray for all bisexuals' exposed ankles in this bitterly cold time
— barbara ghouls (@sianvconway) January 18, 2019
Because sub-zero temps and a 10% possibility of precipitation is definitely the ideal time for short socks and ankle boots.
Hating yourself for inexplicably being attracted to men
This is the ultimate form of solidarity between bisexual men, women, and non-binary folks, because if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that men are trash.
A tough exterior (to hide those messy feelings)GIPHY
Yes, your therapist is right: No amount of facial piercings, badass tattoos, or self-deprecating jokes can actually rid you of your anxieties or force you to confront your demons. But damn if it isn’t worth a shot.
Questionable taste in outwearTumblr
Are you perpetually cosplaying as a die-hard skier in the Swiss Alps? Do you have a closet full of leather outwear you can’t totally justify owning? Do you occasionally layer jackets upon jackets upon jackets? I hate to break it to you, my friend, but you might be bisexual.
Meet Bisexual Panic, the lesser-known but equally devastating counterpart to Gay Fear.
Feeling perpetually misunderstood by all audiences
Two words: Power. Suits.Theo Wargo/Getty Images
The Bisexual Bob™GIPHY
For all my fellow bi gals and non-binary pals, may I introduce you to the bisexual bob. I didn’t coin the phrase, nor did I originate or even sport the haircut, but Riese Bernard penned an epic piece for Autostraddle breaking down the haircut’s origins.