Dating has become as efficient as Fresh Direct. But now that everyone is so close and available, it’s also become way weirder. Who knew there were so many creeps just 500 feet away?

Related: Grindr As Told Through Porno Pop-Up Books

Let’s make life easier. Here’s a list of profiles to block, immediately!

No blacks. No Asians. No Mexicans. No Indians (both American and that other kind with the dots).

No ethnicities in general. Just pure, clean, caucasian blood. It’s just what I like, no judgements if you disagree. Heads up: when we meet I will be performing a quick, painless scraping of the inner cheek of your mouth to genetically affirm that your lineage is 100% colonial white.

Ho! Ima mascular mescaline dud e. Awn a persanal lever, I rairly hok up so don’t trie enyting weerd?

I am SICK of LIARS and PLAYERS.

WHY is EVERYone SO LAME here???? Who ARE you???

I HATE FLAKES and GAMEFLAKERS.

DONT GET IN TOUCH IF YOUR UGLY AND FAT.

I KNOW THAT I AM MISSPELLING YOU’RE!

YOUR SO OVER-CRITICAL!!!

GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES I ACTUALLY TALK THIS LOUDLY IN PERSON!

Let’s cuddle.

Here. Door open. On my knees. Dark room. Anon. Blindfolded. It puts the lotion in the basket.

PS: Here’s a photo of me with my pregnant sister at her baby shower! Both our faces are blurred for that extra sexy touch!

NSA PNP BB WS PrEP SOS IPA CVS IBM ABBA <24 >25

Hi! I am from Ukraine and look for you and for love!

You are the one! I can tell this from way you gaze at my profile!

Please send for me and we can be marry!

Piggy oink-oink puppy bear otter looking for porky sex and bacon-smelling buddies with ripe pits and breath. Keg spit, chocolate-flavored lube, stinky spoiled milk smell and day-old scones are hot and turn me on!

Already have my Number One. He is the light and love of my life. We are married and will never part and once recreated the Jack/Rose scene on the prow of a ship like in "Titanic" — that’s how in love we are. Don’t even for a second think that this is going anywhere or that I have any feelings for you. You are basically a skeleton with flesh and muscle on top of it with which I am pleasuring myself. Also: he knows I’m on here. In fact he will be watching us through a two-way mirror.

WanT To meeT up FFor special snowy ski slope FFun and a GreaT Time To BBe had BBy all.

There is ONLY one GOD and it is the LIVING force withIN.

Om Shanti.

As you can see I have an unutterably good body.

That’s because I live purely and naturally and practice vegan breathing.

Please look into my star presence.

I live deep in the forest, far from humanity and their ugly ways, in a treehouse made out of weeds and my hair.

I subsist on berries, leaves and urine wine.

I am looking for someone I can be INTENSE with for a ritualistic, tantric experience where we will orgasm for 40 days.

I WILL TEACH you how to do this and you will feel pleasure like never before.

It will also be a fourgie of sorts because our spirit animals will join us for this mind altering sexual experience.

I speak Germ, Eng, Port, Ital, Mand, Swahili, Kurd, Japanese, Hindi, and Farsi.

Now learning Arabic.

I am an ENTREPRENEUR and VERY SUCCESSFUL at what I do, at a shockingly young age.

I am passionate about my work which I refuse to describe to you.

Highlights:

Fulbright Scholar, Harvard University, 2012.

Emergency Medical Technician

Recipient of the Yale Younger Poets Prize

MacCarthur Genius

Global Student Ambassador to the UN, called “a young Desmond Tutu.”

Davos “Future World Leaders” Confidence Conference

Rhodes Scholar, Toddler Division

To qualify to meet in person, please prepare a 3 minute memorized monologue from Shakespeare, be CLEANCUT and have a strong jawline. There will be an IQ test and also you will need to write out Fermat’s Last Theorem.

I am honest, grounded, and reliable, looking for that special executive someone to $pend my life with.

CFOs, David Geffen, A-Listers and One-Percenters to the front of the line!

Itinerary

Sept 18 - Madrid

Sept 19 - Ibeetha

Sept 20 - 22 - Kyoto

Sept 22 - 23 - the Fimbull Ice Shelf, Antarctica

Sept 23 - The Hamptons

Sept 23-25 - Sexlanta

Sept 25 - Mustique

Sept 26 - then back to Kyoto!

I am deleting this app! I am not here!

I am looking to meet right now! Now!

But I repeat: I deleting this!

Graphics courtesy of Hal Miller.