Madonna launches her Rebel Heart on September 9. Are you going? Congratulations, you’re a “Lucky Star.” Seeing the queen in concert is enough to make anyone feel like they’re on “Holiday,” but “Keep It Together” or you won’t “Live to Tell”! (Okay, we’ll stop now.)
A Madonna concert is serious business, and one must be prepared: To help you on your journey, we’ve got a handy checklist of things to do before you go.
Watch Every Madonna Music Video Ever
That’s right, all 68. From “Everybody” to “Bitch, I’m Madonna.” NO SKIPPING! This will take about five and a half hours, so set aside an afternoon, mute your ringtone and fire up the YouTube. You don’t want to be caught off guard when someone references “Dear Jessie” and you can’t remember what color the elephants were… PINK! They were PINK! Know the facts.
Take A Cardio Dance Class
Preferably one at Hard Candy Fitness, Madonna’s own luxury gym franchise. Seriously, they offer classes “based on the workouts that Madonna does every day, and on choreography from her music videos and tours.” Not that you don’t know all the routines by heart already. This is really about conditioning your body to last all night. Who wants to poop out by intermission?
Take A Self-Defense Class
While you’re working on your fitness and dance moves, learn how to defend yourself from rabid stans. An arena packed with gay men, bachelorette parties, drag queens, and tween girls is a dangerous place. Be prepared and do whatever you have to do to survive and “Die Another Day.”
Chill The Wine
Girl, this is going to be everything. Plan your party favors and stock up. Tickets can cost as much as $360, so you’ll want to show up buzzed to avoid a $20 beer at the concession stand. Don’t forget to save a glass or two to settle your nerves when you get home.
Console Your Friends
Not everyone has the means or availability to make it to see Her Madgesty. They’re called peasants, and it is your duty to console* them in their time of need (*rub it in.) Tell them she’ll tour again, tell them they aren’t missing out on much, and promise them to call facetime them during their favorite song. (Don’t, though, that shit’s annoying. Say there was no reception.)
Download Grindr (Again)
If you don’t already have a (or every) hookup app, this is the time to get one. You are guaranteed to meet your future husband and/or the best sex of your life in that stadium. Literally hundreds of homosexuals will be zero feet away from you. Cast a wide net, but remember only to check your messages when the queen is not present on stage. She hates to be ignored.
Have A Madonna Movie Viewing Party
Madonna has appeared in 22 feature films, that’s roughly two days of uninterrupted viewing. Make this easy on yourself, start with Truth Or Dare, and end with A League Of Their Own. We promise not to tell if you nap during Vision Quest, Blue In The Face, Die Another Day and Girl 6. Those are cameos. DO NOT sleep during I Am Because We Are. She’ll be pissed.
Actually, Madonna requests that you study ALL religions and cultures so you have a fully informed view of the world around you.
Get Into An Insta-Feud
This should only take about ten minutes, max. Get it out of the way now. We’ll help. Step one: Proceed to mother’s Instagram page. Step two: Find a hater. Step three: Let them have it. Know that somewhere in a castle in the English countryside, Madonna is reading the comments in a bubblebath, smiling.
Update Your Emergency Contacts
Because, bitch, you just might die. Literally die. Have you seen Madonna in concert before? This might be too much for your nervous system to take. Make sure you have a living will, and are wearing you’re medic-alert bracelet if applicable. Remember to drink plenty of water before, during, and after the concert.
Go On Vocal Rest
Madonna would do it for you. If you’re not screaming loud enough, she won’t know you’re there. If Madge doesn’t know you’re there, how is she going to single you out as her loudest, greatest fan that ever lived, init you backstage, adopt you, and and love you more than anyone else in the world? Think about it…
Speak With A British Accent
Just for a little while.
Be A Total Diva
Go ahead, we’re giving you permission. Just this once. Have a meltdown, put it down sharply, go 100% #NoFilter. Do whatever you have to do. This is your moment. You have Madonna tickets. If anyone questions your behavior, the reply is always, “Sure, when a straight man does it, he’s being assertive. When a gay man or a woman does it, they’re being a bitch.” No one can touch this answer. Here’s a supercut of Madonna’s diva moments to inspire you. Godspeed.