Fortune cookies are weird things: They're supposed to offer wisdom, lessons in conversational Chinese, and the occasional winning lottery number. But more often than not, those fortunes are a bit off—you’ll grow old waiting on happiness and prosperity (in bed) because a cookie told you so.

Being something of a queervoyant myself, I consulted with the spiritual world and my spirit animal (Liza) to come up with fortune cookies that you can use in your everyday life (without the calories or the MSG).

Skip the General Tso’s and break into these 15 delicious bites of gay wisdom below.

1. The 'You Know What's Real?' Cookie

2. The 'That's the Way the Empire Crumbles' Cookie

3. The Drop Down and Get Your Cookie On

4. The Boundless Wisdom of Godney Cookie

5. The Fortune Cookie Monster

6. The 'Slow and Steady Wins the Race' Cookie

7. The 'Like Brap! Brap! Brap!' Cookie

8. The 'Everything Is Yours' Cookie

9. The 'Greet the Dawn' Cookie

10. The Grindr Cookie

11. The 'I Been Drankin'' Cookie

12. The Tough Love Cookie

13. The Cookie on Fleek

14. The 'It's Cookie Time!' Cookie

15. The 'Paris Is Baking' Cookie