300's Lessons for Masculine Living
Yes, my boy... Someday you will grow up to have bulging, muscular man-breasts like your masculine father. Testosterone rules!
The bloody gladiator-style (but not in a gay way) epic movie 300 opens this weekend. And, goodness—is it educational!!!! Catching a screening of this very man-skin-filled, macho fight-fest taught me lots. And while some folks are claiming that the film is homophobic and lame, I found it amazingly enlightening.
Variety said of the movie, "Possibly nowhere outside of gay porn have so many broad shoulders, bulging biceps and ripped torsos been seen onscreen as in 300,"... but luckily the filmmakers made sure that any wussy or "gay" sentiments get gored in this manly epic. Grrrrrrr... Pass me a Snickers!
So let’s get down to it, and I’ll share the bounteous lessons found in the film...
Ten Things That I Learned From The Movie 300
10. The most fearsome warriors in ancient Greece stormed into battle wearing leather thongs and sassy red capes.
9. Anything non-masculine is very, very bad. Re: sashaying, wearing jewelry, painting your eyebrows, touching people's shoulders, being a potter, a sculptor, or a "boy lover", being a woman (ewwww!), and having anal sex are all very, very bad.
8. If you're a hero with a big problem, and desperately need all the help you can get, and someone really really wants to help you, you should reject them on account of they're a hunchback. Differences are grody.
7. Killing your enemies and nailing them up to a tree is grossly inappropriate and unforgivable. Killing your enemies and using their mashed up bodies as mortar in a stone wall is clever and amusing.
More macho lessons after the jump...
How to tell the bad guys in 300? They'd be the dramatic, fey ones with jewelry.
6. It's always a good idea to remind people where they're from. So, for instance if you're a Spartan man and you're speaking to a subserviant Spartan woman in the streets of Sparta, you should say things like "Ah yes, this is a difficult time in a Spartan woman's life", to remind her that she is a Spartan and not, say, Irish.
5. Greek men (the good ones, anyway) have no body hair at all. Not anywhere. Really.
Yes, I am ready for proud gladiator battle!!!! Umm... Anybody seen my Epilady?
4. Killing people is always cool and sometimes hilarious! Unless it's someone you know...
3. All good guys are pristinely, porcelain-quality white (because heroic types who lived in ancient Greece would never be the least bit swarthy or possess less-than-Nordic skin tone). How to tell which are the bad people? They’d be black, Asian, Middle Eastern, transgender, and/or lesbian.
2. One good way to build a noble and strong community is to throw your less-than-perfect, defective babies into a pit. Cleanse-tastic!
1. The Persian empire was ruled by a drag queen with cheek piercings. (Yay Persia! Er... I mean, “Bad Persia! Bad!”)
You better wurk, Ms. Xerxes.
I'm amazed this hasn't caught on with more force among the Gay community. Perhaps it's the violence, which is seemingly non-stop and revoltingly over-the-top. But still, those bods ...
Posted by: Chris Holden | March 11, 2007 at 09:28 AM
Oh my God!!! This was HILARIOUS!!! You need to write MORE MORE MORE!!! :)
Posted by: Tiff | July 30, 2007 at 12:16 AM