Heidi Montag’s New Single Is Fake, Her Show Is Fake…

Text message your way out of this one, you two.

Guess what else is fake? Ha!

I love The Hills – I make no apologies for that. I also know most, if not all of it, is staged; I don’t care. The Lauren-Heidi falling out, and subsequent publicity-mongering feud, makes my life...significantly better.

I’ll get to Season 3 in a sec, but first I have to talk about too-busy-back-stabbing-me-to-be-my-friend Heidi Montag’s new single. Yes, “single,”...she thinks she can sing. She and her fiancé, Spencer Pratt, appeared on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show to promote it, and he played a leak of the track, “Body Language,” shortly thereafter.

The weird thing is: Spencer and Heidi immediately told People.com they had scrapped “Body Language,” that it was not Heidi’s first single and that no one was ever supposed to hear it. Well, that’s probably a good thing if Heidi wants a singing career. The song is so ridiculous; Spencer actually raps on it…I’m not kidding.

A big shocker after the jump...The Hills is staged!

LC, Audrina (and hey - it's Lo!) doin' what they do best.

I don’t know; part of me thinks “Body Language” (if you left out Spencer’s rapping, as Ryan Seacrest said) would be OK if whoever wrote it gave it to someone who could actually sing. Heidi sounds straight-up awful when you can tell it’s her, and the rest of the time the vocals are so enhanced, the voice is unrecognizable.

Ah, well – no point in slamming it; it’s not her real single! But how did Ryan get it? That duo is so shifty and press-hungry - they probably just gave it to him.

Well, anyway, Season 3 of The Hills premiered on Monday, and it was, not surprisingly, fantastic. It got off running addressing the rumors of Lauren and her ex, Jay-Wahl’s, sex tape (a rumor I heavily researched a few months ago, but the tape, if it existed, never leaked). Heidi and Spencer, even now, swear the tape exists (I kind of think it does too), and, I recommend this, you can read Spencer’s tirade against Lauren he posted on his Web site. To give you an idea, he repeatedly refers to her as “Beef Curtains.” Enjoy!

Even though it’s already airing, MTV is actually still filming Season 3 in New York, and that’s when the disgruntled restaurant-goer had to go and f*ck it all up. Apparently, after Lauren finished eating (with her camera crew) at an NYC restaurant, someone who sat near her told The NY Post...

“It was clear that this show is not a reality show. They took five takes of Lauren ordering dinner. The film crew took over the outside eating area by setting up lights and cameras everywhere.”

Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. I still love that show, though.

“You know what you did!”