Your 10 Biggest Grammy Award Questions Answered

-- Dorothy Snarker from AfterEllen.com

So, if you watched last night’s telecast of the 50th Grammy Awards, you probably have some questions. Questions like, who is that guy, and why did he steal Amy Winehouse’s Grammy for Best Album of the Year? Or how is it that the Beatles  won only four Grammys when they were together, while Fergie already has three? Or did Amy really thank her husband as “my Blake incarcerated” in her acceptance speech? Yes, yes she did. So without further ado, here are some of your most burning (though hopefully not itching) Grammy questions revealed.

Q: How it is it that the most electrifying performer in the room wasn’t even in the room?

A: Visa problems kept The Winehouse 5,500 miles away in London, but she still electrified via satellite with a performance that was equal parts raw, campy, sassy and defiant. Plus, she brought the one thing the somewhat stodgy awards affair sorely lacked — the air of unpredictability. God bless you, Amy Winehouse. Now get back to rehab and get better.

Q: Did Beyoncé realize she would get shown up in the hot-everything  department by a 68-year-old woman?

A: My guess, no. But she should have. This is Tina Turner, people. Tina Turner.

Q: Has Nancy Sinatra already called Carrie Underwood and asked her for her look back?

A: One would hope, even if only to disassociate herself from Carrie’s uninspired rendition of “Before He Cheats.”

Q: What were they smoking when they decided to pair jazz singer and Vegas pioneer Keely Smith with urban cowboy Kid Rock?

A: Never mind what — can I have some?

Q: Who do we thank for the decision to include the sublime Feist in the show?

A: I have no idea, but I suddenly feel like buying them all iPod nanos to show my appreciation.

Q: How cool is Cyndi Lauper?

A: Oh, sorry, that was rhetorical.

Q: What did that poor ostrich do to Rihanna to deserve this fate?

A: Probably the same thing the unfortunate gold lamé beast the Time’s Morris Day is wearing did to deserve its fate.

Q: Do you think the deal Prince and Cher made with the devil to look this good at almost 50 and 62, respectively, makes them bathe in the blood of the innocents?

A: Naw, that might mess up their hair. 

Q: Why do I suddenly feel like listening to the violin?

A: That would be insanely hot My Grammy Moment winner Ann Marie Calhoun.   

Q: Am I the only one who tried looking at Alicia Keys' dress from several different angles, uh, just in case?

A: Yeah, I didn’t think so.