The 4 Most Regrettable #1 Singles

 

This is probably the last week that LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” will be on the Hot 100, but you know what that means? For the moment, it is still charting. After 67 weeks. Only a few singles in history have charted longer, and no song that hit number one was ever on the chart as long as this one.

In other words: “Party Rock Anthem” is one of the biggest hits in the history of pop music.

And mark my words, we will live to regret this. Because… real talk? “Party Rock Anthem” sucks.

IT DOES.

“Oh, but it’s mindless fun!” No. I’m sorry. I cannot accept that. “Sexy and I Know It,” LMFAO’s other big smash, is mindless fun. To my ears, “Party Rock Anthem” is just utter fu**ing chaos. Like, literally 5 minutes of angry sounds all jumbled together, with somebody cooing over here and somebody hollering over there and maybe some guy spilling three beers onto a synthesizer and recording it. In my entire lifetime, I cannot think of a chart-topping song that I like less than “Party Rock Anthem.”

But I can think of a few that come close. Along with “Party Rock Anthem,” here are three more #1 singles that we really should feel bad about. After all, we’re in America, and American let these songs happen.

* “3″ by Britney Spears

I haven’t really loved a Britney single since “Toxic,” but I can at least appreciate hits like “I Wanna Go” and “Circus.” What I cannot appreciate, however, is the world’s unsexiest song about threesomes. I mean, is anyone going to request this thing in 5 years? Is anyone requesting it now? Britney’s computerized vocals are totally lifeless, and so is the bleep-by-numbers track. And when a song tries to get sexy by comparing a threesome to Peter, Paul, and Mary, the winsome folk-rock act that brought us “Puff, the Magic Dragon?” Then the world has gone crazy.

* “Do I Make You Proud” by Taylor Hicks

Yes, y’all. This song topped the charts. Which means we not only made this song a hit, but we also made Taylor Hicks an American Idol. In later years, the show hilariously tried to pretend he never happened… that Chris Daughtry actually won and the Soul Patrol was just a terrible dream. But it did happen. Taylor Hicks briefly conquered America, and the he topped the charts with a ballad so syrupy that it made Aunt Jemima say, “Not on my pancakes, you didn’t!” And if you think that joke is corny, then just listen to the lyrics of “Do I Make You Proud.”

* “Because I Love You (The Postman Song)” by Stevie B

I realize that almost none of you will remember this monstrosity from late 1990, but I am still mad that it topped the chart for four weeks. Four weeks! With Stevie B’s reedy-assed voice and that boring chorus and those horrible lyrics about hearts and open doors and mailing letters. In a way, I’m sorry to make you know this song exists, but if we forget our mistakes, then we are doomed to repeat them until the entire nation keeps “Party Rock Anthem” on the charts for 500 years.

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Mark Blankenship tweets as @IAmBlankenship. He’s never going to forget the image of Peter, Paul, and Mary in a three-way, and he isn’t happy about it.