I know the horrors of gay Halloween. You’re burdened with the potential to impress everyone, and since I consider the holiday a chance to exhibit wit and superiority, you’re basically obligated to design a costume that says “grandeur.” Well, look no further: Nothing delights a crowd like ’90s nostalgia, and since nothing delights me more than unfeeling women of ’90s TV and movies, I’ve decided to let you in on a secret. These are the best five options for Halloween costumes — IF you have the nerve and resourcefulness to pull it off. Let’s take a hard look at some bad-ass women in order to save this holiday from muscle twinks and their un-creative Ryan Lochte “costumes.”
1. Scorpina from the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers
Scorpina is one of the most high-fashion arachnid-themed villains of the ’90s. As the distaff member of Rita Repulsa’s crew of goons, she tortured the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers with a crescent-shaped sword that could also be used like a boomerang. Did I mention that she wore gold-plated breastlets like some sort of El Dorado cigarette girl?
2. Dr. Blight from Captain Planet
Man, do I love evil women who HATE the environment! Dr. Blight was both ferocious and enigmatic, as one half of her face was scarred and shielded by a whitish clef of hair. Her voice was also hilariously sinister, with a sort of gum-snapping, Sandra Bernhard bravado that many cartoons lack nowadays. Trivia: She was voiced by Meg effing Ryan in the first season. Also, gays: Is this not the perfect outfit? Make this happen for me.
3. Regina from Beethoven’s 2nd
Debi Mazar schemed to steal dogs and wear shock-red outfits in this role of a lifetime. While Charles Grodin and his boring family sauntered around wondering what they were going to do with the four St. Bernard puppies tha Beethoven produced with Missy, Regina’s dog, Regina knew she wanted to either 1) sell the puppies for a profit or 2) kill them for no reason. That is a decisive woman. And a fine Halloween costume. A Cruella de Vil for the (nearly) modern age.
If you dress as Regina, you get the added benefit of being able to drag around a stuffed St. Bernard and yell, “Come along, Missy!” at it like a butch dominatrix. That should excite you.
4. Karai from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
April O’Neal doesn’t satisfy every gay man’s tastes in the TMNT world. We need ass-kickers too! Karai, the villain who dressed in the same sleek purple/black palette of Shredder, was a twisting, posing, furrowed-brow super goddess with anger for days. With the exception of Raphael on a particularly b*tchy day, she was the show’s best candidate for gay idolatry.
5. Debbie Jellinsky from Addams Family Values
I’m going to spell out some unfortunate news for you: Joan Cusack deserved neither of her Oscar nominations. Her job in Working Girl was to wear shoulder pads and Kabuki makeup, and her job in In & Out was to scream a little. That is not to say I don’t love the versatile and unforgettable Ms Cusack. Case in point: She is the evil soul of Addams Family Values, a ruthless gold-digger with Stepford blonde hair and a pitbull temper. If you’re willing to go trick-or-treating with a buddy dressed as Uncle Fester, you’ll surely be the most glamorous “black widow” in all of suburbia. Raul Julia, miss you always.