Ok. And Ben Affleck. They’re both down in Puerto Rico filming some gambling movie called Runner, Runner that’ll come out next year. Anyway, that bitch Jessica Biel was all like, “lets play on the beach” to Justin this past weekend to which we say…lame! Be intrepid with the man, señiorita!! Go somewhere special. Think. Have an adventure. Like in one of these 5 off the beaten path places in Puerto Rico.
There’s 3 good reasons to go here with Justin. First, The Observatory is there (which was a big part of some James Bond film, Contact, X-Files, etc) so you can wax philosophical. Yes – they will take you inside. Second, you can get lost in the The Cueva del Indio—a limestone cave located right on the ocean, filled with Taíno indian petroglyphs that tell the early history of Puerto Rico. And Third, The Cueva Ventana (That’s “Window Cave” for you non-Spanish speakers) is a 20 minute hike into the jungle and comes with brilliant views. Perfect for sneaking in a little kiss.
This is home to one of Puerto Rico’s famed bioluminescent Bays, where you can kayak out to late at night and watch the plankton make the water look like an underwater gay club. But also here, you can eat some of the island’s best sea food, party with the locals (who love a good juke box) and go scuba diving.
Old San Juan’s cute and all but if you really want an old colonial town without the hordes of tourists, come to this place on the south of the island. Hit up the Casa Cautiño—a mansion once owned by some rich dude that’s all that was 19th century opulence in Puerto Rico. Then on to barrio Pozuelo where you can stuff your face with seafood. At the quaint La Casa de Los Pastelillos, you can digest while swinging in a hammock.
A few things make this eco-adventure park uh-mazing. First, its located in Puerto Rico’s Orocovis among the island’s tallest mountains. Second, they have one of the longest zip lines in the world. Third, said zip line has as custom harness (see below) that lets you fly. The park is about an hour and a half form San Juan with no bus going there, so you also get to risk your life driving on Puerto Rican highways before you even get there.
Maybe you an play on the beach with Justin here at Playa Sucio (dirty) that’s actually far from being sucio, more like aquamarine but maybe there’s no spanish translation for that. Whatever. Its like as far as far can be from San Juan, so pretty remote. From here, its possible to hitch a boat to the wilds of Mona Island or what locals call the “Galapagos of the Caribbean”. And inland, you can see Puerto Rico’s own salt flats—a barren, crackled, dry expanse of land that makes for some awesome picture taking.
Matt Bell is a New York based travel and style writer who contributes regularly to Esquire.com and Essential Homme Magazine. He has also written for Out.com, Next Magazine, American Spa Magazine and was the Senior Editor for Genre Magazine.
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