5 Reasons The ‘X Factor’ Premiere Was the Gayest Show Ever

It's Britney, b*tch!

Simon Cowell’s mega-talent show is back and gayer than ever, kids.  And here’s why.
 1) Britney Spears is a judge.  Um, that sentence totally stands alone as a reason, but let us expand on the point.  Since the announcement was made that Spears would be taking over as a judge, our little gay hearts have been waiting with gay anticipation to see how the fierce gay icon would fare.  Would she be amazing?  Would she be a train wreck?  Would she be an amazing train wreck? Well, we’re happy to report our girl Brit slipped into her much-anticipated role with ease.  With amazing fashions, genuine support of talented contestants and enough reading to open a library, Ms. Spears made our gay dreams come true.  Gimme more!

2) A drag queen with mediocre talent singing Gaga was passed on to the next level.  Girrrrl, this child marched out onto that stage in some white Daisy Dukes and a floor length wedding veil without a stitch of make up on her face except for some cotton candy pink lip stick.  21-year old cake decorator, Quatrele Da’an Smith of San Francisco, CA was – quite frankly – a hot mess, y’all.  I think Simon said it best with, “Ok, if you imagine, Madonna, Bobby Brown and Dracula had a child, it would be you.”  Nevertheless, the judges were charmed by this off beat, nontraditional (read: gay) contestant and that queen is coming back for another round!

 3) The look and feel of the show reminds us of an episode of The Hills.  So, the word on the street is that some new reality TV producers have been brought in this season to go all Extreme Makeover: TV Edition on us.  The gays do love a makeover and it has been delivered in full force with back stage segments that are weirdly staged, unnecessarily subtitled and ridiculously dramatic.  From the opening sequence with mean girl contestant, Kaci Newton, talking trash with her equally mean girl sister about super talented contestant, Page Thomas, to the awkward boy band reject, Vincent Thomas, giving performance advice to skater boy trio, Emblem Three, this treatment made us pine away for the days when Lauren Conrad tried to find her way in the City of Angels studying fashion and working as an intern at Teen Vogue.  *Sigh*

 4) There was a very special message about bullying.  When the final contestant of the night, Jillian Jensen, revealed that she had the same tattoo as judge, Demi Lovato, reading, “Stay Strong,” we knew there was more to the story than just fan idol.  In an emotional turn, Jensen revealed to Lovato that she, too, had been severely bullied and related to Demi’s journey.  Lovato’s difficult past, which led the singer to harm herself, quickly surfaced creating an incredibly touching ending to the show.  After Jensen blew everyone away with a painfully good interpretation of Jessie J’s “Who You Are,” Lovato rushed the stage, hugging Jensen and saying, “I know exactly what you’ve gone through, but I made it through.  You are so strong.  That was amazing.  Absolutely amazing!”  Even old heart of coal Simon got choked up and it doesn’t get any gayer than THAT!

 5) Britney Spears is a judge.  OH COME ON, that counts for at least two reasons!  I mean did you see that AMAZING neon pink mini-dress she had on for the Austin auditions?!  Or what about those super smart glasses she rocked in San Fran?!  Then there was the genuine sadness she felt at telling a former recording partner that his voice “wasn’t up to the standards of the X factor and what we want.” And the insults!!!  Like, when she asked that creepy old dude, “Who even let you on the stage?” and then followed up with, “I feel uncomfortable with you even staring at me.”  Or the whole montage of rejections underscored by “Toxic” where she told one singer, “I think you’re like Vanilla Ice, meets Lauryn Hill meets West Side Story,” and yet another hopeful, “I felt like I was listening to Alvin and the Chipmunks.”  It can only mean one thing for the rest of the season: it’s Britney B****!