Scream will soon become an MTV pilot. I have some demands, Sidney.
Just everyone shut up, please. I’m thinking.
The New York Times announced that MTV has ordered a pilot based on the Scream horror franchise. Of course. We knew it. Soon there’ll be a Mean Girls series, a Titanic series, another Clueless series, and an Excess Baggage series probably. The ’90s! We love them because we just reached the point where we can congratulate ourselves for remembering them.
Except cynicism aside, I LOVE SCREAM. Does it get any better in terms of horror, the ’90s, or David Arquette’s light sensuality? There’s also the crackling dialogue and hair-raising terror, which is admirable. If this show is going to happen, I demand these five things be part of the proceedings.
For me, Randy, the horror movie geek who crushes on Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell), was the most revelatory character in Scream. Gangly, smart, self-accepted weirdos? How many of those did we get in the ’90s, aside from every band? There’s a big chance that a Scream update will be too clever by half, so we’ll need Randy there to say things like, “This dialogue strikes me as too clever by half.” He was a great character not because you believed you could be friends with him, but because you believed you already were friends with him. Respect.
2. More pop culture references than an average season of Animaniacs
We can pretend that pop culture references are the tools of petty snarksters, but in an age where we’re constantly reminding each other how bombarded we are with pop culture, I consider it something of a rebellious move to own, reference, and throw down entertainment references. The characters in Scream were cool for referencing Tori Spelling, Terror Train, and Freddy Krueger. I want lightning-speed pop recall from the new Scream’s characters — particularly the inevitably brassy female lead.
4. Some really clever reason for how a killer could have everybody’s cell number.
In the old Scream series, the killers called their victims via landline, harassed them for a bit, then killed them in their homes. I suspect those killers used the phone book to aid them in stalking their prey, which is so quaint and dorky. Now, we don’t have phone books or landlines, and that means a big part of Scream’s most chilling conceit is rendered obsolete. I expect Skype, Twitter, Instagram, and good ol’ SEXTING will be a part of the new Scream, and that better not infuriate me.
Now hear this: Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox) is the baddest dame of the ’90s, a lupine infotainer sheathed in Wilson’s Leather. A flawless, scowling Deborah Norville hydra sent from hell. An on-the-scene female reporter is a must in the new Scream series, and I want her to be as kickass as the original hard-bitten femme fatale of spot reporting, Lee Grant in The Swarm. Enjoy below.
What do you want from a new Scream? Remember: You have no choice but to want a new Scream.