There are no rules to breakups. Some leave you positively gutted while others leave you positively soaring. Some come after two months of intense passion and some come after three years of apathy. Some come at your choosing and some, well...they just come.

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And as breakups have no rules, there are no definite rules for what to do in a breakup’s wake. Cry? Eat gallons of ice cream? Slut it up in a dark bar? The truth is that any advice you receive during your breakup is, at best, simply loving and well-intentioned advice. Nothing more.

Nevertheless, into that void, we offer this, our guide on how best to get over him.

If You're Sad, Wallow, At Least for a Little Bit

Heartache brings with it a bunch of icky feelings (smallness, sadness, powerlessness), feelings that are on the whole, pretty unsexy. To feel sexy (and grand and happy and powerful) again, it’s natural to want to move on quickly.

This, of course, assumes that moving on is a simple choice one can make, like throwing a quarter in a jukebox to change some whiny rock song. Deciding to move on is a big part of the process, but so is giving yourself space to really sink into your sadness.

So wallow in whatever ways you must: watching Crossroads, listening to Destiny's Child “Survivor” on a constant loop, going ham on a Seamless order, etc. When we allow ourselves to fully experience our emotions, we add depth and complexity to our lives, which makes us more fully realized human beings. Plus, it makes us more engaging and considerate friends (see #4 on this list).

Figure Out What Worked. And What Didn't.

Instead of spending precious energy vilifying your ex or yourself, focus your energies on figuring out what worked and what didn’t work in your relationship. Did you all listen, truly listen, to one another? Were you patient with each other’s shortcomings? Did you extend empathy when times were tough? Did you both ever really get over that fight you had last June about the thing that, at the time, seemed so damn important?

Apply some critical thinking to your breakup and you can learn some very valuable things about yourself. Maybe in your next relationship, you’ll tell your partner earlier about your trust issues. Maybe you’ll be upfront about your desire for them to get to know your family. Or maybe you’ll tone down the sass and offer tenderness, especially when your partner doesn’t directly ask for it.

Forget Timelines

People love imposing logic on emotion. I dated John for ___ years , so I’ll be sad for ___ months. A simple enough algorithm that, unfortunately, becomes pretty useless when you find yourself grieving outside of schedule.

While it may not make sense that you’re wildly upset over someone you dated for three months, the fact is simply that you are, in the same way that someone getting out of a five year relationship may not be sad at all.

So instead of feeling weird or stupid for being too sad or not sad enough or being both sad and angry or sad and happy, just be.

Reach Out to the Right Friends

Seeking solace in strong friendships is essential when dealing with a breakup. Friends are there to lend a listening to ear to your rehashings, to offer advice and to provide you with a safe space to express your emotions exactly as they are.

However, not all friends are equipped for breakup control. There are some who will encourage you to move on too quickly, some who will relentlessly slap you in the face with “It’s really for the best's, some who are so securely moored in their relationships that they can’t fully empathize and some who will simply tire of hearing you talk about whathisname for more than a few hangouts.

So, make sure to spend time with friends who will give you the support you need. Spread your ranting about so it doesn’t become a burden on just one person. Reach out to friends who’ve recently gone through breakups or friends who are also going through big life changes. Ask for council, but also make sure to offer it – no one enters a friendship with the intent of being an unpaid therapist.

Consume Art

We love art because it provides us a window into the human soul. It offers us perspective and helps us to better understand and grasp the nebulous concepts of love and loss. Further, it makes us feel less alone, which is especially important when going through a breakup.

So if you’re into music, check out Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours or Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black or Willie Nelson’s Phases and Stages. If you’re more into books, check out Junot Diaz’s This is How You Lose Her or Cheryl Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful Things or Julie Klausner’s I Don’t Care About Your Band. And if you’re into movies, cozy up to Annie Hall, A Single Man,Bridget Jones’s Diary or The Weekend.

Immerse Yourself in Activities You Love

Once you’ve wallowed and worked through feelings with friends and art, it’s time for you to start doing things you love again, and preferably on some sort of consistent schedule. Maybe it’s weekly karaoke with the girls or kayaking solo every Thursday morning or finally picking up pen and paper and writing about him during your lunch breaks.

Or maybe you try something new. Maybe you join a queer book club or go for outings with an LGBT wilderness brigade or maybe you finally buck up and join the soccer team with the cute goalie. Give yourself things and people and activities to look forward to and slowly, but surely, your weeks will become imbued with joy.

Flirt, Flirt and Flirt Some More

And when the cute goalie finds you after practice and says he likes your glasses, don’t be skittish and give him the cold shoulder. Compliment his skills on the field. Touch his arm. And even if you’re not ready for much more flirting than that, let this be a reminder that there are dozens of new beginnings waiting for you.

Flirt with as many of them as you want. The barista at your local coffee shop. A boy you make eyes with on the train. An old friend who comes for a weekend visit. Keep it simple; remember, you’re just getting your feet wet, acclimating yourself to the ocean and all its many fish.

Do What You Want

Because that’s what really matters, what you want. When you find yourself in that golden sweet spot where something’s ended and you’ve finally come to terms with it, you’re given a window of opportunity to reevaluate your desires. Be bold in the new designs you conjure and you’ll set yourself up for something dazzling.

Take a risk or two. Get the cute goalie’s number and ask him on a date. Sleep with the barista after one of his shifts. Move to sit next to the boy on the train and press your arm so lightly against his. Keep it casual or keep it serious but keep it tightly focused on what you most deeply desire.

Let Go

Finally, you let go. You realize that breakups are rarely ever about one thing. They are about you, and they aren’t about you. They’re not necessarily a sign of love lost, but most likely a sign of love changed. And at some point, you realize that love gone just leaves room for love new and love different.

This is where you forgive yourself, too. For checking his Facebook page more than you should. For drunkenly texting him that thing about his mother. For thinking that if you’d just given a little bit more of yourself, none of this would’ve happened.

But, of course, it did. And now, you move on.