A Very WilSon Christmas

Yesterday Days of Our Lives presented their annual Christmas day episode, in which many of the characters pause their storylines to hang tacky ornaments on a tree.

Here are some highlights.


Sonny came dressed as your 50-year-old single Uncle Roy, an insurance salesman/used car dealer from Topeka who will get progressively drunk and repeatedly ask you to pull his finger, and make awkward advances at your cousin.


A poop factory gets an ornament, but Sonny still doesn’t.


Will: “Ari, It’s a big honor to have your ornament up here, you know.”

Sonny: “That’s true Ari. Hell, you can help someone come out of the closet, deliver his child in an island shack, be forced to see ladyparts, turn down a sex offer from a dreamy hunk, offer to move his child and woman you detest in with you, keep a horrible murderous secret involving his mother, grandmother, and woman you detest from him so he won’t go apeshit and destroy another kitchen, and still … you won’t get an ornament.”


There. I fixed everything.

Poor Anne can’t catch an evil break. Her plan of sending Jennifer on a wild Christmas goose chase falls apart thanks to buttinsky Doug (and JJ gets the best line of the episode). But wait a minute … Anne tells the kids “I am going to read you a story. And not the same old one you’re tired of hearing every year.” Does Anne think these are the same kids in the hospital every year? Well, considering there seems to be one doctor on call, and just one or two beds … maybe it does take that long to heal.


“All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My Birthday. I was ten. And you know what they got me? MALIBU BARBIE. That’s not what i wanted. That’s not who I was. I was a ballerina … GRACEFUL … DELICATE. They had to go.”

Okay, I admit, this does get me every time. Damn you, Maggie!


Merry Christmas, Chandler.

80's Pop Culture Expert, Shooting At The Walls Of Heartache.