Hey guys, how’s it going? Listen, we know what a tough week you kids are having over there and we really want to make it easier for all of you. See, the thing is, you are kind of awful at selecting people to produce and host the Oscars. I mean, you just had the director of Rush Hours 1,2 and 3 step down and your fallback was the producer of shows like Arrested Development and Friday Night Lights? That man is a lesser contender? From an organization dedicated to awarding excellence in the arts?
And the hosts are even worse. James Franco and Anne Hathaway? Whose genius move was that? That’s like waking up one morning and deciding you want an Adderall AND a Zoloft. No one wins.
But no need to worry about this year. We are on board with Brian Grazer and, even better news, we have the perfect host for you. RuPaul.
Oh don’t laugh, we have come up with plenty of reasons why this is going to work.
Best Actor — It is looking like the Best Actor category is gonna be a pack of hotties this year. Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, Leonardo DiCaprio and perennial bachelor George Clooney all seem to be in the mix. And you know who would have a field day with those four? Ms. Paul. Hell she would host the show sitting on each one of their laps if you ask. And these guys would love it, especially that aforementioned bachelor.
She’s Not White — You guys have a legit race problem over there. Every time a camera pans to the audience at the Oscars it feels like you are looking at a Town Hall meeting in the Midwest — in the late nineteenth century. Then everyone gets super, super excited when maybe two of the twenty nominated actors aren’t white (something destined to happen again this year with Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer). So throw Ru on stage and show just how progressive you olds can be. We believe in you!
Costumes — Honestly, we don’t even need to explain this one.
Snubs — Ummmm, where was Ru’s name after A Very Brady Sequel Academy? And what about Starbooty and Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild!? Right your past wrongs.
Promotion — This lady will do whatever you want to get an audience. She would probably flyer cars up and down Melrose if you asked her — in sex inch heels.
Vocal Performance — Save money on bringing in those boring people singing boring songs from boring movies and just have Ru interpret each of the five songs nominated for Best Original Song. It may be the first time in years all of America does not get up for a bathroom break.
So there you have it guys. Just do the thing and stop hiring senseless and ill fit choices. I mean, people are saying the Muppets now? Miss Piggy was a presenter at the Country Music Awards last night, do you really want their sloppy seconds?
Anyway, hope to hear from you guys soon and can you please make sure Michelle Williams wins this year. Thanks!
P.S. — I mean, we would also love to cross-promote this with season four of RuPaul’s Drag Race (premiering this January, check your local listings), but we can talk about that later.