ACADEMY AWARDS: Pandora Boxx Recap

Brought to you by Jennifer Lopez's possible nip slip. Photo Credit: Getty Images

Nothing fills a night up with pomp and circumstance like the Academy Awards.  Where else are millions of dollars spent on gowns, jewelry and weaves to celebrate people who play dress up for a living.  The 84th Annual Academy Awards rolled out its red carpet last night in the Kodak Theater in Hollywood or as Billy Crystal called it the Chapter 11 Theater.  Ouch!  Let’s just cut right to the most interesting part of The Oscars, Ellen Degeneres’ JC Penney commercials!  They were fabulous and much more entertaining than the whole awards show.  Plus, I have to give props to JC Penney and how they stuck by Ellen as their new spokesperson.  Go JC Penney!

On to the show!  The show opened with a montage of movie scenes with host Billy Crystal placed in them.  The highlight was George Clooney kissing Billy on the mouth as Billy wakes up and tells him, ”just say I’m Batman.” I giggled.  Am I the only one who thought Justin Beiber was giving sex eyes to Billy Crystal?  Maybe that’s just what Justin always does and why teenage girls want to plant their vahjayjays on his face.   Cut to Billy’s standard song about all the picture nominees with what looked like the leftover set of Wicked behind him.  It’s ok but it just has that been there done that feel.  And can someone tell me when Billy Crystal turned into an old lesbian.

Now we really start of the awards with a bang by giving out some cinematography awards.  Hey, I know that there are so many people involved in making movies and I’m super happy for all of them getting recognition.  However, that doesn’t mean it’s interesting to watch on television.   Wait, is someone banging on a garbage can or something?  Oh no that’s freaking Sheila E. on the drums in the balcony.  In my head, I just pretended she crashed the party.  How funny would that be?  Sheila E. just randomly shows up places and starts drumming.  You are shopping for some new panties, oh there’s Sheila E. drumming.  You get out of a stall in a public restroom and there’s Sheila E. drumming.  Your gynecologist is checking out the goods and there’s Sheila E. drumming.

All through these awards I kept thinking, “How the hell am I going to recap three and some change hours of this show?”  I can’t possibly do a play by play because I’d fall asleep on my keyboard much like I did mid-way through this telecast.  So here’s the Kibbles N’ Bits of the Academy Awards I found most interesting or least interesting and I just wanted to make fun of it.


  • Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez’s nipple present an award and try to do a lame bit where their backs are to the audience and then they quickly turn around and… oh never mind I got bored even trying to describe it.  I did have love Cameron for calling out their bombed bit by saying, “You take a chance.  Hello everybody, you take a chance.”  Chance taken.  Shtick bombed.
  • In the actor’s montagey-thing Helen Mirren says, “the fucking screen is enormous.”  Don’t you just want to go out drinking with this woman?  I love everything about this broad.
  • Sandra Bullock dressed like a Couture Penguin presents and sports the biggest trend of the night, the immovable forehead.  I’m guessing there was a Botox shortage in Los Angeles this week.
  • Nick Nolte claps like he’s about ready to kill someone.  In fact, every time they cut to him he looks ready to pull out a gun and go postal.  I’m not the only who thinks so because when Billy Crystal does the bit where tells us what different actors are thinking, he just growls when they get to Nick Nolte.  You know he’s right too.  Cray-cray!
  • Octavia Spencer wins!  I loved the movie The Help and she was fabulous in it.  Her speech was one of the best, simply because of how overcome she was.  It’s nice to see an actor be real and you don’t get realer than this moment.
  • The focus group sketch!  I loved this because it was like a mini Christopher Guest film with the actors he always uses.  I adore Catherine O’Hara and Jennifer Coolidge who said of the Wizard of Oz cast, “I’ve never seen so many unattractive people.”  This was just brilliant.
  • Robert Downey Jr. says he’s filming The Presenter and Gwyneth Paltrow is a total See You Next Tuesday to him and I liked it.
  • Emma Stone is, well, I think stoned while she’s presenting with Ben Stiller.  Oh and possibly add Melissa Leo to that “on something” list for this year.
  • Thank god for Chris Rock.  In my opinion, he wins for best presenter of the night.
  • Christopher Plummer becomes the oldest Academy Award winner.  Great film, great actor and great speech.
  • Will Ferrel and Zack Galifianakis play the cymbals in Brad Pitt’s face and then announce the two nominees for Best Song.  Really?  Two?  There are nine Best Picture nominees but two Best Song nominees?  Ridiculous.  But the song from The Muppets wins and I love anything Muppets.  P.S. Didn’t Miss Piggy look gorgeous?
  • Angelina Jolie walks on stage and strikes her best hooker pose.  Either that or she wanted to show off her new wooden leg.  Then one of the winners of the award she’s presenting, Jim Rash, walks on stage and does her pose.  Brilliance.
  • Reese Witherspoon admits that Overboard is one of her favorite movies.  Yes!
  • Did I miss a drinking game that was being played?  Melissa McCarthy and Rose Byrne yelled out “Scorcese” and pull little bottles of vodka out of their dresses and downed them.  Now that’s what I want to see at the Academy Awards!
  •  Meryl Streep wins for Iron Lady.  Her reaction was incredible.  You could see her say, “What?  Oh come on.”  Then her speech was even better, “when they called my name, I had this feeling I could hear half of America going oh no.  Oh come on.  Why, her?  Again.  But, whatever!”  I just love this woman.  She is the most amazing actress and can just do anything.  Plus she looked spectacular, especially since sometimes she ends up looking like some crazy art teacher on a first date.

Nothing else was really that interesting.  In fact, the show itself was quite lackluster.  It really does need a dose of adrenaline or something.  I would have really been interested to see the Brett Ratner/Eddie Murphy version of these awards.  That said, they were certainly better than last year’s Potfest 2011 with James Franco, but that’s not saying much.

I can’t end the review without doing a little Best/Worst Dressed though.  My vote for the Best Dressed Lady is hands down, Milla Jovovich.  She looked radiantly stunning.  I also have to say I loved Stacy Keibler, Kristen Wiig, Judy Greer, Gwyneth Paltrow and Octavia Spencer.  Worst Dressed would have to be Shailene Woodley who was wearing her Grandmother’s tablecloth but closely following would be Melissa Leo or Angelina Jolie and her trick leg.

Guy’s fashion to me is so utterly boring which a reason I dress like a lady for a living.  It’s a tuxedo.  And another tuxedo.  And another.   Snore.  Don’t get me wrong.  They can look good on a guy but who cares?  Guy’s choices are so limited.  So instead of critiquing their fashions I’m just going to give you my top choices of who’s Oscar I want to play with.  I’m going with George Clooney, Christian Bale, Nate Berkus or Mario Lopez., or all four at once.  But you, Tom Cruise turns 50 this year and looks incredible.  Who cares if his face didn’t move?   I’d tap that.

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