Alternative Oscars: Jessica Biel, Rooney Mara, Jeremy Renner & More

We prefer Amy. And Joaquin.

“And the award goes to…JESSICA BIEL, for her portrayal of Fantine in Les Miserables,” Christopher Plummer will inevitably reveal to an audience of millions on February 24th.

Well, maybe not. But he might have IF the original cast of Les Mis had banded together instead of running off to do things like “Marry Justin Timberlake” or make The Perks of Being a Wallflower! This awards season might look completely different (more Justin, less “Suit & Tie”) and so might some of the best films of 2012 if the original casts had stuck around. Let’s take a look!

Django Unchained
Pros:Joseph Gordon-Levitt! And Django’s best outfits would look so fresh on the former Prince of Bel Air. Kevin Costner? Why not! He gives dads a reason to try bleaching their hair and moms a reason to watch Access Hollywood. I’m a fan.
Cons: Will Smith is too nice to be an anti-hero like Django. Plus Jamie Foxx gives the performance of his life, IMHO, and I don’t want anything about this movie to change. I don’t even want to think about changing it!

Les Miserables
Pros: Paul Bettany is fantastic at everything he does, and it’d sure be nice to forget about that movie Priest he made a year or two ago. Who doesn’t want to see him speak-singing in a coat and tails?
Cons: Jessica Biel emoting. Taylor Swift projecting. Every woman in the theatre would have their period by the time the movie ended.

Life of Pi
Pros:Tobey Maguire on a boat.
Cons: Not exactly faithful to the race of the main character, is it? Which is kind of a big deal. And also there are plenty of great Indian actors to choose from.

Pros: This movie would have had considerably more battle scenes and also Lincoln would have had to rescue three of his children before signing the 13th Amendment.

The Master
Pros: Reese Witherspoon’s big blue eyes get to work again and who wouldn’t love seeing her take on Tracy Flick as a grown-up? (That is essentially how I’d characterize the Lady Macbeth-ishness of Amy Adams’ role in the film.) As for Jeremy Renner, maybe he wouldn’t have had to turn Hansel & Gretel into a shoot’em up action movie?
Cons: Hansel & Gretel is going to be a great remake in fifty years. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.

Silver Linings Playbook
Pros: Anne Hathaway reprises her role in Rachel Getting Married and manages to win Best Actress instead of Best SUPPORTING Actress; Mark Wahlberg gets to dance and yay, we get to watch(!!!!!); Vince Vaughn reminds us he is a capable actor; Zooey Deschanel gets to play a manic version of her Elf character and play a lady who packs quite a punch.
Cons: I can’t imagine any of these actors having the same chemistry as Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. Vince and Zooey? No. Too weird. Annie and Mark? I feel like things would have been more weird than…tense (NO SPOILERS HERE).

Zero Dark Thirty
Pros: Two Oscar noms in a row for Rooney!
Cons: No one forgives her for that black, banged bob she had last awards season.

What 7 Oscar-Nominated Movies Would Look Like With Original Casts