Goodness, but situations get complicated with the ladies of American Horror Story Coven! It’s hard to keep track of whose side everyone’s on, whose bed everyone’s in, and which characters are/were dead. Oh well, at least everybody’s angry all the time and gory death scenes can occur with zero consequence to the plot. I can handle seeing Patti LuPone get fatally shot, but only if I can be reassured that she’ll still be in next week’s episode.

Now students, what have we learned?

Coven-tional Wisdom: Four Lesson’s from This Week’s American Horror Story: Coven

LESSON ONE: Cleanliness is next to godliness

Everyone who has partied too hard knows that sometimes a good juice cleanse can make a world of difference. Suffering through that food-free period is difficult, but you’ll come out the other side feeling better than ever! Or, if you’re looking to go a little more extreme, you can follow Kyle’s mom’s tried-and-true method of pouring Ajax into an enema bottle. I’m not sure it’s medically sound, but then neither is living on liquids for a week because Gwyneth Paltrow said so.

LESSON TWO: Bulk order your hair from Korea

Has Myrtle ever led us astray with fashion advice? I look like a monster if I get less than seven hours of sleep, but she continues to devastate with her style from beyond the grave. When she recommends a retailer, no matter how inconvenient, make it your new favorite store. Hell, I’m considering burning myself alive and getting buried in the swamp just to see if I can swipe some of her swag.

LESSON THREE: There’s confident, and there’s cocky

It feels good to talk trash. Everyone likes to hold their head high and put a little swagger in their step. But don’t invoke spells that your wand can’t cast, you know? Underestimating the Supreme, even when she’s weakened, could be a terrible idea. And maybe don’t go on a racist tirade to your sworn enemy when she has you locked in an iron cage surrounded by weapons and implements of dark magic.

You know you don’t have the upper hand when yours is getting chopped off.

LESSON FOUR: Good help is hard to find

Will somebody please get the goddamned door? A big house needs a staff, so don’t go firing, murdering or imprisoning your best workers. That trip down the steps to the kitchen feels a lot longer when you’re in your 60s, have terminal cancer and insist on wearing four-inch stilettos all day. Keep a maid around!