The bellboys have your bags and you’re ready to head up to your room after the first episode of American Horror Story: Hotel aired just last night. We’ve all been eagerly anticipating the arrival of Countess Gaga — but will she be haunting your dreams once your head hits the pillow?
Welcome to the American Horror Story: Hotel recap, we hope you enjoy your stay. This is, of course, a Ryan Murphy series, so going over plot point by plot point would be rather futile. We can already guess that every character will have sex, then die, and then be brought back, and then die again. We’re not here for the story: we’re here for the fashion and the bloodshed.
With that in mind: here’s the Best and Worst of “Checking In”.
The Shining Homages: Infamous geometric carpet pattern? Check. Long shots of creepy children in hallways? Check! This is fun for now, but it might get old fast. Like Jack Nicholson!
New Opening Credit Sequence: Having only tangential relevance to the actual show, the opening credit sequences of AHS have always been the most artfully crafted parts of the series (and yes, that’s a read). The new twist on the theme features some spooky vintage music and neon bible verses, but the signature Nine Inch Nails click-clacking noises are still in tact. Even our favorite gothic type-setting has returned! What’s not to like?
This Neon Sign: Great sign!
Blood Orgy: The only thing better than an orgy of ridiculously attractive people is a blood orgy of ridiculously attractive people set to “Tear You Apart” by She Wants Revenge.
This Boring Ass Detective Guy: Who the hell is this guy? Do we really need a straight-laced strong-jawed white dude to man-splain his way though this horror-nonsense? He’s no Dale Cooper, that’s for sure. He’s barely even as interesting as Will Graham. Get outta here with your boring-ass kid.
Chloe Sevigny: Few celebrities are as divisive as Chloe Sevigny and Ryan Murphy isn’t doing her any favors by casting her as a frumpy parent. Bring back nympho Chloe! Housewifery does not suit her.
The Dialogue: “I lived in New York many years ago. I loved roaming the streets, devouring the pulse of the city. Electrifying!” THAT’S NOT HOW PEOPLE TALK. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. NOT EVEN POP STAR VAMPIRES.
This Room: Anyone remember that lame episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark? with that space alien play-room? This is like that, but dumber and with Tetris.
“Hotel California”: A bit on the nose, don’t ya think?
Check back next week for our recap of episode 2!