“American Idol” Recap: 25 Observations About Another Pretty Boy Elimination

Guys, tell me if I’ve had a little bit too much of Paula Abdul’s Percocet margarita, but are we on our way toward all-female top five? I’m both giddy and a little unnerved. Are these results doctored? I’m scared of the truth. But I’m ready for the truth, if it means the Top 5 reign of <3 Amber <3. Or Candice or NOT ANGIE.

Anyway, here are 25 fiiiiine observations from last night’s perfectly palatable elimination show.

1. Ryan Seacrest announces this is the 450th episode of Idol. I’m starting to think they’ll never resolve that Brian Dunkleman subplot. 

2. Uhhh, Lazaro wore white suspenders with a white belt (Nerd alert? Emily Dickinson alert?), a gold bowtie, and a palm tree-emblazoned dress shirt. I hope it was a Holy Thursday outfit, because I sure wanted to crucify him.

3. The top 8 sing the unthinkably dated “That Old Time Rock ’N Roll.” My soul = not soothed. If I were one of the remaining dudes, I’d have interrupted the song and declared, “PLEASE take me to a disco.” 

4. Jimmy Iovine just questioned whether Angie Miller should be allowed to pick her own songs, which is pretty ballsy coming from a man who presumably picks out those baseball caps and windbreakers for himself.

5. Amber is wearing shoes that look like rollerskates and orthopedic nightmares. That’s knowing your audience.

6. So, Kree getting that phone call from Aretha Franklin? Monumentally bad-ass. Loved Aretha’s compliment about Kree’s performance of “Don’t Play That Song”: “You put that one away!” 

7. Man, Lazaro looks like a shell of a human being in these past weeks. He’s still decimated from all the vitriol. 

8. Colton Dixon did a great job (of looking like Jane Child). 

9. Tell me more about about this “Christian Albums” Billboard chart, Colton. Who dictates what’s considered Christian? If I release a house version of “Father Figure” where I’m dressed on the cover in my see-through priest vestments from my porn revue of Tartuffe, is that Christian enough? Furthermore, do other religions get their own musical charts? A Jewish Billboard 100? A Voodoo Billboard 100? A B’Nai B’Chart? Help me out.

10. What could be a more hilariously unctuous Christian album title than A Messenger?

11. I admit that the contestants’ trip an elementary school where they taught kids to sing Phillip Phillips’ “Home” was cute. If I were 7 and in that situation, I’d make Amber Holcomb read to me AND teach me to dance AND give me flriting tips. 

12. Lazaro looked a little clueless teaching that adorable girl to sing. Then I realized the adorable girl was teaching Lazaro.

13. I don’t think any of us need to hear “Home” again. Spare the children.

14. I don’t watch Smash (where I undersand Karen is an unlikable character?), so I get to have the opinion that Katharine McPhee is exceptionally talented, beautiful, and cool-seeming. Hope she remains a star for a long time.

15. Ryan Tedder of OneRepublic, I don’t watch Smash, but I hope Eileen Rand throws a drink in your face for stealing screentime from Kat McPhee.

15. Woah. With her short haircut, McPhee is a dead ringer for Norah Jones, who I consider to be the world’s first living sleeping pill. Careful, Kat.

16. I’ve brought this up before, but the vague, yet extreme tension between Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey is no fun and really, really unprofessional. 

17. Keith Urban’s performance. Uh? Do all country artists look like PacSun managers now? Just Keith?

18. Mariah waving around that “#1 Keith fan” sign? A weird new pathetic that I haven’t figured out yet.

19. Do we get a Nicole Kidman cameo soon? Y’all know I love her, right? Rabbit Hole is my favorite movie of the past five years. To Netflix with you!

20. Kree is the first contestant declared safe, and I declare myself unsafe at the sight of Devin’s amazingly tight jeans.

21. Candice is the second contestant declared safe. Is she gonna win this thing? For some reason it seems hard to picture, even if she is completely destined for the final two. 

22. Kree is sort of lucky her onstage fall (which occurred after she hugged Janelle for being declared safe) didn’t occur onscreen. Probably would’ve defined her for the rest of the season. Then again, Kree needs more identity. Stage a Marie Osmond-type fainting situation next week, girl!

23. Lazaro finds himself stuck in the bottom with Devin. Tune in for the second sentence of my new slashfic novel next week!

24. Mariah cries during Devin’s pretty-damn-spotless rendition of Perry Como’s “It’s Impossible.” It’d be an emotional song, except Devin is so ready for his elimination that he basically looks like Gary Gilmore up there waiting for Keith Urban to pick him off with a rifle. “Let’s do it!” Devin yells in both English and Spanish while Seacrest covers his face with a sack. 

25. The judges opt not to save Devin because he is 1) a boy, 2) Tintin, and 3) the very picture of an eighth-place American Idol contestant. It just suits him! Talent got him to the Top 10, but the prerequisites for superstardom kept him out of the Top 5. Nice kid, above-average blazers, can’t wait to date him for two months.