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"American Idol" Recap: Oh Boy?

Fifteen men. Fifteen layered "rocker" outfits from H&M. Fifteen obligations to make preteen girls clap, whinny, and vote. Who will win? Who will whinny?

I did a couple of times. Not raucously, but overall, the first showcase of American Idol's male contestant crop was much better than the distaff half's debut on Tuesday night. Some areas of improvement over the ladies: less screaming; more looking-like-they-belong-on-a-stage; handsomeness; guitar antics; palpable sensuality; faces for gay men to enjoy. Maybe we didn't get a tender, tearful moment in the vein of M.K. Nobilette's whispery triumph on Tuesday, but I think we clearly saw five dudes fulla feelings emerge as frontrunners. Which is convenient, considering only five are guaranteed to proceed.

I know this isn't news to readers of TheBacklot, but it must be stated: Adam Lambert, who again appeared as a guest mentor alongside the world's most famous connoisseur of parabolic sideburns Mr. Chris Daughtry, really looks fantastic. His look is both mature and boyish, and he has a straightforward, but coolly self-aware vibe. He's enigmatic too. Wouldn't be surprised if he just leaned over to random contestants and whispered, "I'm a magician." The glint in his eye is super shiny, and I associate that quality with the dark arts. Frightening. He's probably a serious, possessed top. Not kidding. I can tell.

Here are all ten of the performing contenders from Wednesday's show, and I've decided to tell you whether or not they should proceed in the competition too. Fun and mean! My favorite.

Caleb Johnson: Faces' "Stay With Me"

Maybe Caleb's harrumphing, van-down-by-the-river grit isn't for everyone, but I feel like Rush Week (the official name for this breakneck section of competition) is mostly about announcing you can make an impact. You can be heard and you can be memorable. Pia Toscano was given no screentime prior to her Top 24 debut in season 10, and she suddenly became a frontrunner thanks to a beltier-than-average rendition of "I'll Stand By You." It was necessary. Caleb's beltier-than-average version of "Stay With Me" was just as booming and ultimately soulless, but his self-deprecating humor and general affability leads me to believe he could turn in a more restrained performance if need be. I'm excited to see him shift from Matt Foley down to the meeker monster of, say, The Chris Farley Show.

Top 5 worthy?: Yes.

CJ Harris, Ray LaMontagne's "Shelter" 

This guy is sweet but clearly not a pushover. I love how he turned down that fedora during his wardrobe consultation. No, ma'am, CJ is NOT a fedora person. He is NOT a surly bookseller from Silverlake. Let it go.

I found his version of Ray Lamontagne's "Shelter" a little sleepy, but I also find Ray LaMontagne sleepy. I saw a taping of The Tonight Show during that nine-month carnival when Conan was host, and Ray LaMontagne was the musical guest. Child, I dozed. But the passion here was charming and real, and like how he kept calm and adorable under his Paddington hat.

Top 5 worthy?: Yes.

Emmanuel Zidor, The Emotions' "Best of My Love"

The tragedy here is that Emmanuel is everything I'd normally want in an Idol contestant. He sang the The Emotions' swishfest "The Best of My Love," he cares about the career of Vonzell Solomon, he moves around the stage like a bossy toddler queen, and his last name is pun-friendly. But this vivacious baby brother did not disco-fy us right. He was mostly awkward and screechy, in fact. In fact, when one of the judges tells you, "You're a great singer, so don't forget to sing," he's basically eviscerating you in under ten words. I appreciate Emmanuel's gregarious good-times vibe, but he is not ready to duke it out with the competition's Carrie Underwoods and Bo Bices using his sub-Vonzell vocal tricks.

Top 5 worthy?: No.

Sam Woolf, David Gray's "Babylon"

Look, I remember 2000. I remember turning up the hits of the VH1 Top 20 countdown and drumming along on my cargo shots to Vertical Horizon's "You're a God" and Dido's "Thank You." Tender time for me. David Gray's "Babylon" fits right in that (Kohl's) pocket, and I clutched my heart like a rosary as Sam Woolf worked up a Gray-esque bleat for us. Wonderful vocal, and for that alone he deserves a pass to the top 5. I still found the performance a little nondescript as an Idol moment and not assured enough for this stage of the game, but I guess it's early. Next time Sam wants to pull from the post-Y2K hit vault, I suggest he go with something nervier like Moby's "South Side" or something brilliantly stupid like Sting's "Desert Rose."

Top 5 worthy?: Yes.

George Lovett, Bruno Mars' "Grenade"

Woah, I don't remember George Lovett being 1) this attractive and 2) this contrived and strained. There wasn't a moment of his "Grenade" performance that felt like an organic, casually emotionally moment. The original version is its own torrid telenovela, so we really didn't need an oversell here. Unfortunately George spent his entire 90-second act crinkling up his face like amateur origami and ending every note in a porcine whine. It's the kind of pained melodrama that R. Kelly mocked in "Trapped in the Closet," and that was fresh satire in 2005. An overcompensatory performance when it didn't need to be. Weird.

Top 5 worthy?: No.

Dexter Roberts, Craig Morgan's "This Ole Boy" 

Harry "Listen, Son, I've Got TALES About DOLPHINS in 3-D" Connick Jr. noted that Dexter doesn't have a distinct enough country voice, but guess what? Neither does any country artist. That is (apparently) the whole point of country music. You don't stand out, and millions love you and your pickup and your flask for it. It's a pretty foolproof plan. Something seemed kind of cruel about the judges picking on Dexter and his good-enough rendition of "This Ole Boy"; if they can't point out a single distinguishable quality about Dexter then why did they let him through in the first place? I like Dexter well enough, but I think his target voter demo will sway -- like good ol' boys at a bonfire -- towards Caleb. 

Top 5-worthy?: No.

Alex Preston, Damien Rice's "Volcano"

I don't know why Alex Preston scares me. The expression on his face is often stank, like he's Melanie Hutsell as a GAP Girl on SNL. He also wears a lot of denim apparel, unlike any real human. Plus there's the Mr. Turkentine quotient which I've explored ad nauseam. Anyway: Chills! I can't disagree that "Volcano" was just right for him, and my untrained ear could pick out some fancy guitar work too -- but something about Alex remains slightly aloof, and that's a major concern at this stage of the competition. I'm sold on him as a performer, but as a persona, I want him to engage us more. I hope his song choices are just as well-curated in the future. I also hope Alex stops shooting weird glances at nobody because I'm terrified and alone in my apartment and know he can see me.

Top 5-worthy?: Yes.

Malcolm Allen: Anthony Hamilton, "Comin' From Where I'm From"

I know I said earlier that I crave big moments at this stage of the competition, but Malcolm's gentle professin' and confessin' on "Comin' From Where I'm From" made for a powerfully understated performance. ("Powerfully understated" is usually not my bag -- has Madonna ever been "powerfully understated"? Glenn Close? Brent Corrigan? No. -- so forgive me for this slip in conscience.) The crisp vocal helped, but I loved where he ended up with this: halfway between proclaiming and pouting, wooing you with actual pain and, OMG, thinking about what he was singing. Slim chance of survival, but even he makes it into the top 10, I'm goin' to where he's goin'.

Top 10-worthy?: Yes.

Ben Briley, the Allman Brothers' "Soulshine"

Oh, good! A sassy little guitar solo! Confession: Please don't make me listen to a guitar solo. I have nightmares about attending Led Zeppelin concerts. I just have visions of Jimmy Page turning "Kashmir" into a 43-minute whammy bar experiment, and then I have to sit there and watch it play out like endless smug improv. If Ben Briley's fine plucking is impressive to people who care about guitars, I'm thrilled, but I found his vocals forgettable here. I applaud that he chose the Allman Brothers, but I'm not seeing much potential for a growing fanbase here.

Top 10-worthy?: No.

Spencer Lloyd, The Fray's "Love Don't Die"

I've always been aware that Spencer Lloyd is more pretty than virtuosic, but damn. The topaz-skinned worship leader did not inspire me to genuflect last night by talk-singing through a performance that I started to forget as it was happening. He was breathy at times and fumbling through the motions at others, and that's only acceptable during CrossFit class. I actually think he would've done better with one of The Fray's bigger hits, something with a discernible pop hook like "How to Save a Life." That would've brought out his more sensual, earnest side -- which is always what bat mitzvah-ready girls vote for. C'mon, Spencer. You've got a voice that belongs on the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack. Own it.

Top 10-worthy?: No.

What do you think? The men outclassed the women, right?

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