1. Candice, Kree, and Angie sing a terribly dubbed version of “Who Says” by Selena Gomez. They almost gain the energy to speed up their collective saunter, but it doesn’t happen. Stumping for Ford Fiesta is tiring, I guess. And so is pretending to believe in the poetic power of a Selena Gomez song.
2. As part of their “Fiesta Mission,” the three ladies head over to a high school and sing with the choir. I wanted Candice to announce, “EVERYONE HERE IS GETTING A FORD FIESTA” before walking away and leaving them nothing.
3. I have to agree with Jimmy “Aged Tortoise Emperor” Iovine about Angie’s performance of “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.” Solid, but underwhelming considering how big and emotional the song is. She’s no Leona Lewis.
4. Just noticed that Paul Jolley and Devin Velez are sitting together in the audience. Awww. Check your Grindr inbox, boys, I have all these ideas.
5. OMG, Lauren Alaina is performing. They flash back to when she auditioned with “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” and Steven Tyler jumped in with a HORRIFYINGLY BRAYED “Waaaay far away and dreaaaamin’.” I choke-laughed and retch-cried.
6. Lauren Alaina has straight hair now and looks more like Candace Cameron than ever.
7. Her new song is called “Barefoot and Buckwild,” which is coincidentally the Grindr usernames of Paul Jolley and Devin Velez.
8. I’m telling you Angie Miller shot what appeared to be a condescending smirk at Lauren Alaina. My theory that Lazaro Arbos was referring to her when he called one of the contestants “crazy” still stands.
9. Kree’s performance of “Here Comes Goodbye” really was great. Too bad it was a Rascal Flatts song about their corny-ass emotions. :(
10. Mariah Carey gave a “Music Video 101” to the three contestants, which consisted of her saying, “I have ALL THE POWER on my music videos now. ALL OF IT.” Then her insane video “Beautiful” premiered, in which she writhed around in tiny bike shorts and/or a tiny yellow dress for three minutes. This is a woman who loves writhing. Like she never got off that yacht from the “Honey” video. I support this.
11. Hey! It’s a contestant update from Adam Lambert. He’s in Singapore right now, dressed for a concert that might be Gay Anime Jetsons-themed. Boy can saaaaaaang. Here’s a fact you might not know about me: In 2009, I wrote a speech that Kara DioGuardi delivered to Adam Lambert at the Young Hollywood Awards, and later when they wrote the song “Strut” off his debut album together, they based some of the lyrics OFF MY SPEECH. Guys. I made Adam Lambert happen for you. Accept it.
12. Alicia Keys performs next! Alicia Keys is the most talented boring person alive.
13. I remember in 2001 when Alicia Keys’ “Fallin'” and Blu Cantrell’s “Hit ’Em Up Style (Oops!)” were the hot pop/R&B jamz. I rooted for Blu to win that little duel. Where is her Idol performance comeback? Ugh.
14. Remember when Candice sang “Somewhere” and it was better than anything we’ve seen on the show in years? Besides 3-5 other Candice performances, I mean. Seriously, harshly fabulous.
15. And the first person to advance to the finale is… Candice! Oh, girl. Thank God. Thank God we will be treated to astounding talent and verve on the finale. Maybe Gladys Knight will join her onstage. Sorry to be so earnest on this one, but it’s so, so exciting.
16. And the second person to advance to the finale is… oh my God, NOT Angie. It’s Kree! That’s… pretty excellent, I’d say, even if Angie did have a better night on Wednesday. I notice that Mariah is PSYCHED, and that’s why Mariah and I are best friends.
17. Man. Angie did not plan on losing. Nothing wrong with that, but I am loving the shock.
18. Ugh, and now I’m a little bit sympathetic: She’s weeping and trying to perform one last song. It looks like it is physically hurting her to sing through those tears. Which only gives me more power.
19. For some reason, I started fantasizing about Ryan Seacrest becoming openly evil and laughing at Angie. Like he knew she’d fail all along. Like he loved it. “Angie, you lose. YOU LOSE.” he begins. “You are the new loser. You lost, and we all see it. You’re a Bratz doll version of Mary Murphy, Angie. That’s all you ever were You’re THE AMERICAN LOSER. Goodnight, winners of America!” Curtain. Sort of weird.
20. As Angie’s family surrounds with her hugs, I see Mariah casually approach Kree, kiss her cheek, and offer congratulations. It is delicious.