It’s the Top 4! Again.
1. Oh my God. Candice, Kree, Amber, and Angie are forced to perform a frenetic, jazz-handed version of “Crazy in Love.” It is more sexless than a Tina Knowles pantsuit, but Amber is a superfly Naomi Campbell doppelganger in her kicky shorts. Apparently this song is on the Great Gatsby soundtrack, which means F. Scott Fitzgerald’s decision to be the worst alcoholic of all time was justified.
2. Aw, look: The girls are pimping the Idol summer tour, the one that will be dramatically under-attended (Spoiler Alert!). I know this isn’t a popular season of Idol, but I think this’ll be the best summer tour since at least season eight. Remember when American Idol tried to convince you that seeing Lauren Alaina would be exciting? Grrr. I’m still mad. Or to put it in Lauren Alaina’s voice: I’m stee-yill may-yad!
3. The Ford Fiesta segment is the lamest and most hilarious yet. The Top 4 are responsible for “designing Fiestas inspired by the music [they] love.” This means some “artist” in a bomber jacket helps the girls decide whether they want to stamp a Fiesta with a giant graphic music note or perhaps a treble clef! As you can see, the resulting artwork is the most hideous pair of cars ever. And poor Amber matches the hiddy-er one.
4. Jimmy Iovine concurs that Angie’s performance of Rihanna’s “Diamonds” was lame. Her punishment should be a performance of “Shut Up and Drive” where she gyrates on top of a hideous red-orange Ford Fiesta.
5. Sometimes Harry Connick Jr. looks like John Mellencamp’s shady cousin.
6. David Cook is back to perform! Say what you will about the relevance of American Idol, but it’s cool that the show takes time to invite back its alumni. Has The Voice ever invited back its previous winners to perform? No. I assume that’s because The Voice’s producers can’t even remember its winners’ names.
7. David Cook: now celebrating five years of RUGGED YET WISPY HAIR.
8. David Cook: STILL WEARING VESTS AND CROSSES IN 2013.
9. I almost forgot why the finale of Idol is so exciting. Because it means the start of So You Think You Can Dance is here.
10. Will.I.Am performs a songless, brain-stabbing non-song called “Bang Bang.” His voice sounds 100% electronically altered, which reminds me what I love about The Black Eyed Peas: They always sound so easy to electrocute.
11. “Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby” is a pretentious way of saying, “Tim Burton’s Gossip Girl.”
12. We get an update on Constantine Maroulis, Idol’s Tony-nominated rocker who has spent his entire career resembling Forrest Gump’s Lieutenant Dan at his gamiest. He’s doing fine!
13. Harry Connick Jr. performs, and did you know he can reeeeally sing? He’s like a grownup singer. He knows about being listenable.
14. Nicki Minaj blankly tells the Top 4 girls, who are clutching each other’s hands and waiting to hear whether America voted them into the guillotine of obscurity, “No tears tonight. This is the beginning of your memories in the real world.” I just checked, and no, those aren’t Bjork lyrics.
15. Angie Miller is declared the first member of the Top 3! Her canned excitement is so canned. Speaking of So You Think You Can Dance, Angie really looks like a travel-size version of Mary Murphy.
16. The second member of the Top 3 is… Candice Glover! That’s nice of America to vote the best singer into the Top 3. It almost seems like a mean trick!
17. Amber and Kree are the top lowest vote-getters. To be honest, I’m rooting for Kree’s departure because she’s demonstrated that she doesn’t care to show us anything new in her performances. At least with Amber you get some stylistic shifts and Azealia Banks-y face and sauciness.
18. Ugh. Amber is voted out. It’s honestly fine. I’m fine. Vocally she was in fourth place this week, and she was a coward to pick “My Funny Valentine” for the second time. I’m fine.
19. Can’t read this because I’m weeping like a preteen girl watching Love and Basketball. That was sad, right? Maybe.
20. Amber’s performance of “I Believe in You and Me” is cut off because she’s weeping too. Hard. Her father arrives onstage and consoles her, but we’re immediately treated to a closeup of Mariah Carey shedding Swarovski droplet tears and surreptitiously checking to make sure the camera sees. We see, Mariah.