Urgent: Is Angie Miller the rumored “crazy” cast member?
1. I’m starting off with some beautiful sh*t-stirring! Apparently Lazaro Arbos gave an interview in which he said, really pettily, “I’m not gonna say names and I don’t wanna sound rude, but I think that one woman in particular [in the competition] is crazy and she wants to win! She thinks that we’re in ’The Hunger Games’ and she’s fighting for her life.” That’s such a low thing to say. I can’t believe he said it. And… he’s got to be talking about Angie, right? Her response to his quote was, “It stinks that people are saying that, because probably all of it is lies. But it doesn’t affect me. We all get along great so that doesn’t affect me.” She couldn’t even say his name. Anyway. District 12, represent.
2. Nicki Minaj’s blonde wig tonight is the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Incognito special.
3. Candice, Kree, Angie, and Amber sing “Girl on Fire” for tonight’s performance. How many times have I gagged about Alicia Keys’ songwriting before? It doesn’t matter. Because I’m about to do it again. “Girl on Fire” is arguably the most banal set of lyrics she’s ever written, barely beating out “Fallin’,” “If I Ain’t Got You,” and “No One.” The only awesome thing Alicia Keys ever did was “Gangsta Lovin'” with Eve, and her part of the song was lifted from Yarbrough & Peoples “Don’t Stop the Music.” There.
4. The Ford Fiesta commercial was the creepiest yet. The girls drive around trying to get to Ryan Seacrest, except he’s so busy that they can’t find him! Then, climactically, four Seacrests appear at once. Just like in Revelation.
5. Back in the studio, Seacrest made the following joke after he arrived onstage “late” in a choreographed “funny” moment for our “entertainment”: “Sorry, I had to go polish Tom Bergeron’s Emmy.” Ugh, see. Why does Seacrest joke. I’ll be the first to say that Ryan Seacrest truly deserves an Emmy for hosting Idol, but this slight dig/joke at Emmy winner Tom Bergeron is… mostly ineffective coming from his accidentally snide mouth, not to mention too clever by half for the Idol audience. Also: Bergeron rules, and I’m not kidding. Funnier and smarter than everyone in his field, namely zillion-time Emmy winner Jeff Probst.
6. More time-wasting: In prepackaged interview segments, the girls are challenged to name five interesting things about themselves in under 20 seconds. This is very hard for Angie Miller, which we understand. Glamorous Amber nails it, and even comes up with a sixth item (“My septum is pierced!”) to rub it in. WHIMSY. CHARM. WATLEY OUTFITS. AMBER.
7. Jimmy Iovine mocks Amber’s song choice of “MacArthur Park,” calling it lyrical nonsense. Jimmy, that’s what makes it perfect. I doooon’t thiiiink that you can taaaaake it. What he should really be mocking is Amber’s performance, one of her worst to date.
8. However, Jimmy is right that Kree really screwed up by choosing “A Whiter Shade of Pale.” Come on, one-hit wonders are supposed to be fun. Was Shannon’s “Let the Music Play” unavailable?
9. Season 10 hopeful Stefano Langone performed his tepid new song. He is a sleazeball lady-hungry narcissist but really wears that handle well. Unlike shirts. Lose the shirts, Stefano.
10. I would describe Stefano as Chachi 2013. A little buffer, a little slicker, same slickster entitlement. Slap him around, Henry Winkler.
11. Jimmy defends Candice’s vocal performances on Wednesday (which make sense, since they were the best), but he still doesn’t get around to giving her take on “Emotion” full credit. Fabulous performance. And song! By Samantha Sang. Sang-song. What if Candice wore a cheongsam while performing a Sang-song? Moving on.
12. Nicki Minaj’s dramatic eye makeup and creamy tan skin make her look KIND OF like ER alum Ming Na, who wore a cheongsam in the 1994 film Street Fighter. The more you know.
13. Candice performed a Drake tune on Wednesday, and as a surprise last night, Drake came out onstage to greet and hug her. Candice goes effing crazy, and you can tell her competitors know what a kickass moment this is for her. An actually awesome moment on Idol. A statistical near-impossibility.
14. And speaking of fat chances: Season nine winner Lee DeWyze, who ruined my life by defeating Crystal Bowersox and my beloved Didi Benami, performed his new song live and weirdly, it was very good and sorta hip! Tones of rockabilly and a passing resemblance to Phillip Phillips’ “Home.” It sounds like a song he actually wanted to make and release. Good for that guy.
15. Why has it taken me until now to realize that Angie is 75% Miley Cyrus, 20% Avril Lavigne, and 5% owl?
16. Angie and Kree are named the night’s two top vote-getters. I accept that Kree has tons of fans and even deserves them, but who are they? Country folk? Isn’t Kree a little mature for them? I can’t figure it out.
17. Amber and Candice are the bottom two vote-getters. Nooooooo. They’re my top two, even if Amber botched a few things on Wednesday. But seriously, what else does Candice have to do to win over voters? Bench-press Drake? Because the child could.
18. When Amber and Candice are announced as the bottom two, the reaction from Angie was less than human. I picture Lazaro spinning his bowtie in frustration. Then I picture myself spinning his bowtie. Now he’s just wearing the bowtie, and both of us are spinning in unison. Mmm!
19. Seacrest announces that, in fact, no one will be eliminated this week. The judges didn’t use their save this season, so there’s an extra week of programming to fill. The votes from this week will carry over to next week, where Amber better bust her ass not to taint the Donna Summer catalog again.
20. I’m sorta sorry this season of Idol isn’t a ratings juggernaut. The caliber of performances is uniformly higher than the past three seasons. And again, we are subject to more Jody Watley-style outfits. Which is what idolatry is supposed to be about.