“America’s Next Top Model” Recap: Evil Clowns and Nails For Days

Somehow, there are eleven competitors left on America’s Next Top Model, a.k.a. Tyra Banks Presents: Our Warholian Nightmare Future, and Miss Tyra has decided to thin the herd with a predictable-but-totally-necessary double elimination: The models quaked in their Jimmy Choos as the probability that they would be sent home raised dramatically. But no one was ejected from the competition until way after heaps of predictable bullshit occurred:

Insipid Things Models Say Moment: One of my favorite (read: least favorite) things about this show is the way that the models talk incessantly about not letting personal drama “distract” them from the competition. After Chris H. and his Manic Pixie Dream Platonic Friend Nina fought (about what, I can’t for the life of me figure out) they both bombed in their shoots. As if their increasingly tumultuous relationship has some kind of impact on their ability to vacantly stare into space.

Bold-Faced Lie the Judges Tell to Give the Show Artistic Credibility: The mini-challenge this week had the models directing their own photo-shoots and making their own “living photography” (not a thing) by performing “random acts of modeling” (also not a thing) to create custom “flixels” (remember, they aren’t called gifs) using iPads as cameras. For most of this season, my blood would boil at every mention of the f-word—because, come on, they are gifs—but I realized that this has all been one complex product-placement for a gif-making iPhone app. I was prepared to throw shade at how stupid this ploy was, but gifs are fun, yo. Carry on.

“I almost killed a fellow competitor, potentially leaving a small child motherless! Hilarious!” — Marvin

Pranks!: When the boys decide to start a prank war with the girls, the girls at first seem relaxed about with the whole thing, reacting pretty calmly to having their underwear taped to the ceiling. The prank war escalates quickly, though, when Marvin throws a singing clown into Kanani’s bed. I was going to make a joke about how the producer’s started this one by handing Marvin the toy, but finding a clown doll in a house that’s sole design element is pictures of Tyra Banks might not have been too difficult.

Kanani (who has a pretty extreme case of coulrophobia) has a full blown panic attack, cries and shivers in her bed, and has to shove an inhaler in to her face to recover. Pranks are so funny.

Predictable Gender-Normative Bullshit: In the mini-challenge, Sweet Transvestite From Transsexual Transylvania Cory appears in drag again (thank God), but is criticized for creating a photo that does not “reflect the brand.” 

Later, when the photo shoot is nail-art themed, Hipster Phil (who blames his petulant behavior on ADHD) loudly proclaims “Guys don’t sell nails!” while Chris H. asks, “How do you go about daily activities without breaking a nail?” which is actually just a very good question.

During the shoot,  photographer Frank Lacosta (who sounds like gay Dracula) repeatedly tells the male models, “I don’t want you to look girly, I want you to look like a man!” which is a pretty ridiculous thing to tell someone wearing hyper-color press-ons.

Non-Suspenseful Elimination: The scores are all over the place this week, with all three judges disagreeing on practically every photo, because this competition is arbitrary as fuck.

Personality deficient pretty girl Jourdan is the high scorer this week. The statuesque torso named Jeremy is eliminated first, and considering he was the reason a lot of homos were watching this show to begin with, I have a feelings ratings will drop significantly next week.

America's Next Top Model

Kanani (right) is next to be eliminated. Watching a 19-year-old who’s trying to make enough money to raise her daughter cry her face off  to Phil, who clearly does not have anything resembling adult responsibilities, was awkward and depressing. Good thing this pop-culture blogger has no soul.

Check back next week to watch models have paint thrown on them because something something Jackson Pollock something something very fierce.

freelance pop-culture blogger (NNN, MTV Iggy, Oxygen) / recovering academic / wannabe club kid / satanic hipster / talentless DJ.