Huddle in closer, cause this blogger is about to impart some wisdom on y’all: some people don’t like spoilers. So when I read in the comments of last week’s recap that most watchers of All Hail Tyra Banks AKA America’s Next Top Model already knew that Phil wasn’t coming back — and that the honor of returning to the show would be given to Jeremy instead — well I was pretty upset.
So let’s not try and ruin each other’s “fun” (and let’s keep “fun” in quotation marks because watching this show is hardly “fun”) let’s keep the spoilers to ourselves and “enjoy” (again, in quotes) this episode’s list of predictable shit without telling me what everyone knows has already happened from super-sleuthing their way through online leaks. ’Cause some people like their reality TV heavily and annoyingly foreshadowed rather than outright told:
Bold-Faced Lie Told To Give This Show Artistic Credibility: This week, to test the dolls’ “commitment,” Tyra hired comedian Reggie Watts to pretend to be a French commercial director. Not-Watts instructs the models to prance around a green screen while being doused in water, but only after making out with a unicorn mask and/or stuffed camel, in what I can only imagine is a surrealistic expression of our absurd existence on this impossibly lonely planet.
Renee, who has an irrational fear of things pretending to be other things (…that’s not a thing, girl) sees the stuffed camel and goes through it for a minute, but pulls herself together to shoot a “successful” “advertisement.”
Of course, because all the contestants are too dumb to realize that this is not “arty” — presumably because none of them have ever actually seen real art in their entire lives — they are all fooled by the charade. Jourdan wins the challenge, because she probably didn’t even realize that the challenge was weird to begin with.
Cat-Fight: The gender warfare in the house had been mostly tame this season…well except for that time Don almost killed Kanani with a clown doll.
But things really escalated this episode after Chris H. leaves an aggressive-but-probably-justified note to his roommates about doing their dishes. Renee (left), possibly still on her adrenaline rush from confronting her fear of “things that are disguised as something else,” overreacts and tells Chris H. that he has a “nasty soul.”
Jeremy rushes in to defend his fellow bro, and Jourdan jumps in to defend her fellow hoe. Jourdan says that Chris H. has never known love (wait weren’t they arguing about doing dishes?), but things get really heated when Jeremy responds to Jourdan by saying something along the lines of “What do you know, you divorced dilettante?!”
Of course, the only adult in the house, Miss Cory, defuses the situation and gets the warring gangs to make peace. For now.
Made Up Tyra Words: Flawsomeness is the theme of this week. Flawsome is when you have a flaw that is awesome. Yup. That is what flawsome means.
Anyway, being flawsome is the the exact inverse of the impossible beauty standards of the fashion world, in that Tyra thinks imperfections are beautiful. Except that Tyra’s definition of “flaw” is equally as tyrannical as the beauty standards she thinks she is subverting. So when she brings out Albino supermodel Shaun Ross to talk about being “flawsome” she is, in backwards kind of way, telling the man that he is defective. She then brings out a Disney teen star whose name I don’t know or care to look up. (Ok fine, it is Zendaya. Marvin knows who she is. Because he is a child.)
So Tyra’s gives “flaws” (which include: big eyes, big hips, skinny legs) to the models with make-up and costuming, and the models have to look good anyway. None of this makes any god damn sense, considering that some people find these things attractive. Nor does the fact that the photos were all high-school themed.
So the pictures all suck and this is stupid.
Melodramatic Elimination Round: After Alexandra’s “flawsome” photo proves to be just “flawed” and not “awesome”, she suffers from a dizzy spell which she claims is “not about what happened at judging.” Girl, if you have to say your dizzy spell isn’t about what happened at judging, it probably is. She is escorted off stage by producers.
Blah blah blah, Nina (above) wins, blah blah blah Alexandra and Chris H. are in the bottom two.
Alexandra, who is curled in a ball on a couch in the green room, is informed by producers that she is eliminated while Chris H. falls to the floor, which seems to be the go-to histroinic gesture for pretty much every contestant whenever they are in the bottom two. See: this gif.
Check back next week for more flawsome recaps! Emphasis on the “flaw” part.