Welcome back to another installment of America’s Next Top Model or, as I like to call it, Tyra Banks’ Psychopathic Capricious Whims Cycle 20! This week everyone seemed more intolerable than usual, but maybe that’s just us getting to know them better. Then again, for the first twenty minutes I had absolutely no idea who anyone was because these characters are essentially interchangeable sprites with variable palette swaps.
So let’s move on to our checklist of obvious ANTM tropes:
Petty Catfight + Sobbiest Sob Story: When awkward Chris H. talks over Mike, the former ice-cream man tells his bumbling comrade to shut the fuck up. Chris H. doesn’t take too kindly to this, and tells Mike that he has lost all respect for him (“as a man,” whatever that means). Mike may or may not have called Chris H. a faggot (damn you overzealous censors who prevent me from deciphering curse words!), after which Chris H. proceeds to call a house meeting to explain his history of abuse and trauma which sometimes causes him to overreact. Because that’s how adults reconcile their problems on planet Earth in the year 2013, apparently.
Self Indulgent Tyra Moment: During the Mike vs Chris H. meltdown, a Tyra portrait can be spotted in the background, looming ominously over her subjects. Beware models, Tyra is still watching, and you will all pay for your sins.
Insipid things models say: Tie between Alexandra who says in a confessional, “I would love to win,” and Phil, who, while describing his budding relationship with Jiana, says, “We enjoy having fun.”
Predictable Gender-Normative Bullshit: Butch-Queen-First-Time-In-Drags-At-A-Ball Cory Imfurst (right) finally takes a good photo. Good because he “looks like a man.” (Actually, to be fair, Tyra astutely corrects her judges on this one. Cory doesn’t look like a man, he already is a man. What they meant to say is that he looks like a straight man. Which is good, apparently, according to the bizarro criteria of this show?)
Later, in a confessional, BabyFace Muscle Monster Jeremy says that he has always been a momma’s boy but he hopes this show turns him in to a real man. Because if anything can turn you into a “real” man it is a show about a traditionally feminine interest that only introduced male contestants five minutes ago.
Bold-Faced Lie the Judges Tell to Give the Show Artistic Credibility: The photographer who shot the Trailer Trash themed photos is The Cobra Snake. Johnny Wujek claims he is famous. He is, in fact, a douchy party photographer.
Useless Made-Up Garbage That Tyra Says: Tyra, who looks like a robot demon this episode, tells Jourdan that she is “serving the light.” I have no idea what that means. Do you know what that means? Please leave a comment if you know what that means.
Debutante Divorcee Jourdan ends up as the winner this week, with BabyFace MuscleMonster Jeremy and Ice-Cream Man Mike in the bottom two. After the Saw theme music plays while they tabulate the scores, Mike is sent packing. But the real loser this week is Tyra, who, by the looks of the Spinnging Turntable Runway Challenge, might be running out ways to make walking into a challenge.
Check back next week as I continue to summarize this garbage so that you can spend your Friday nights doing more productive things, like getting black out drunk!