“America’s Next Top Model” Recap: The Guy Who Gets A Beard Weave


The models spit in test tubes so they can learn about their ancestry.

This week’s episode of  America’s Next Top Model has everything: witchcraft, gay kisses, spitting in test tubes and beard-weaves! Let’s get into it:

Love Triangle: We start the episode with the mirthful Mirjana moving from Matthew to Denzel. The dopey Matthew is forced to sit by and watch his former cuddle-buddy get up close and personal with another man. In the real world this wouldn’t be an issue because they’re, y’know, all practically strangers.

Catfight: Romeo sulks in a corner and reads while the other models pretend they’re at summer camp. Normally, literacy is a quality I admire in a person, but when Romeo slinks off to cast spells on the competition I got annoyed. This is Top Model, not The Craft, dude. Adam the jock starts to pick on our goth gay bisexual, whom he calls “a joke.”

Pot. Kettle. Black.

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Unnecessarily Complex Photo-Shoot: The models are arranged sideways so when their photos are rotated it looks like they’re floating.  Model, model, model. Pose, pose, pose. Click, click, click!

Everyone does fine except for Denzel, who  has a hard time taking photographer Yu Tsai’s abusive-boyfriend screaming, and Romeo, who hasn’t mastered the modeling skill of lying down and sitting still.

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Makeovers! Everyone knows that the makeover episode is the best of the season and Cycle 21 does not disappoint. Some models are utterly transformed, some look exactly the same. Everyone freaks out.

Our boy Corey from Cycle 20 pops up to reassure the models—he hated his makeover too!

* Shei gets a cute-but-so-last-season ombre dye job that makes her look like she just got cast on Sons of Anarchy.

Screen shot 2014-09-09 at 9.38.46 AM* Denzel gets a lace-front beard. You read that right—ANTM decided the black Amish thing was gonna be big for 2015. Unfortunately the stylists don’t know how to put one on— the seams are showing, the color and texture don’t match his hair, the glue is falling off.

Girl you wanna rock a lace-front you call Roxxy Andrews.

* Chantelle gets nervous about them fucking up her ’do, which is understandable because her hair was pretty perfect to begin with. The stylists give her a weave with blond tips. We really hope that wasn’t so it would match her vitiligo.

* Adam and Ben get their heads buzzed. Adam talks about how he loved his hair because it was with him when he banged chicks. Ok, then.

* Resident gay Will is given that poofed-up-but-shaved-on-the-sides thing that every bow-tie wearing queer has.
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* Kari
gets a Donatella Versace. She cries because she thinks she looks horrible. Unfortunately, she is correct. “Kari thinks she looks like a stripper, which she does,” Keith weighs in. “But that’s okay—I love strippers.”

Tyra insists on calling the makeovers “ty-overs” because even colloquialisms revolve around her.

* Romeo is given grey contacts. The producers of this show never asked for his prescription, so they render him somewhat blind. I’m really glad everyone thought this one through.

In a twist, Tyra also gives everyone DNA tests (thanks Ancestry.com!) so they can learn about their origins.  She says the answers will be revealed in a “special, creative, and artistic way.”

My guess: they’ll have to embody their ethnicity in a cartoonishly offensive photo shoot. Can’t wait!

Will-MatthewGender-Normative Bull: Everyone turns up a little too hard the following night. The debauchery results in an off-camera kiss between Matthew and Will, who had been buddy-buddy all episode.

Matthew is then faced with a not-so-nice interrogation by the rest of the models: “Are you gay?” “Are you bi?” Matthew insists he’s straight but open to exploration. But the models aren’t having it because the show’s ideas of sexuality are about as rigid as its view of style and beauty.

Will steps in and says that people should just let Matthew do what he wants with whomever he wants. We agree—especially if what he wants to do is Will.

After the incident, Matthew makes a shitty joke about now having “to make out with the prettiest girl in the house” to prove his manliness. Oy.


Actually Surprising Elimination: All the models photos turn out fairly well, and the judging is fairly straightforward. Little Bro Ben gets top-photo for looking like a comic-book character. Kari and Chantelle—who I had actually pegged as a frontrunner—wind up in the bottom two.

Kari complains that she looks like an alien now. Tyra agrees, but insists that it’s a good thing, because people also say Tyra looks like an alien. (Apparently she’s incapable of understanding that not everything said about her is a compliment.)

Chantelle is eliminated, but considering we’ve been spotting her on fashion advertisements all over the city, this probably isn’t the last we’ve heard from her.

Check back next week for our recap of Episode 4: “The Guy Who Starts a Fight.”

freelance pop-culture blogger (NNN, MTV Iggy, Oxygen) / recovering academic / wannabe club kid / satanic hipster / talentless DJ.