“America’s Next Top Model” Recap: “The Guy Who Gets A Weave” (A.K.A. The Makeover Episode)

This week, The Tyra Banks Hideous Font Showcase (seriously, Papyrus?)  continued the longstanding tradition of a makeover episode in which 90% of the contestants end up looking significantly more foolish than they did before entering the arena.

In fact, this makeover episode was so predictable, we’re ticking off our list of obvious Top Model tropes:

Don, Alex and Rob Evans 1. Insipid Model Statement: Don (far left) gives a whole speech about how he just has to believe in himself to accomplish his dreams. The whole time he spoke I felt like I was watching an infomercial for some kind of high-school equivalency program.

2. Self-Indulgent Tyra Moment: Before Tyra begins her “teach” (why she doesn’t call it a “lesson” is beyond me) she has an extensive soliloquy and gag about her rumored beau and fellow judge, Rob Evans. Tyra just has to clear the air. They aren’t dating. But the real question is: Who cares?


3. Predictable Gender-Normative Bullshit:
Poor femme-queen Cory (who, through a little digging, I found out is the drag daughter of Drag Race villainess supreme, Mimi Imfurst) will be perpetually criticized for not being masculine enough in his photo shoots. Hey, Tyra, maybe we like our models fishy.

Let’s hope we get to see some Serena Starr (Cory’s drag persona) this season. Until then I’ll try not to fall asleep, like my viewing-mate did during this episode.

“You betta werk.” – A Reality TV host that isn’t a complete embarrassment

4. Useless Made-Up Garbage That Tyra Says: Tyra loves inventing words like “smize” and “booty tooch” but this season she has really one-upped herself with the portmanteau “BOOCH” or bro-tooch. So have fun with that one at the gay bar, boys.

The Guy who Gets a Weave

5. Useless Piece of Advice Offered By A Judge: “I would have liked you to give more ’dramatic facial expression,’ Tyra suggests to one of the mannequins. Tyra, we need one more noun to finish that sentence. You would have liked us to give more…truck? You would have liked us to give more hyena? You would have liked us to give us more pissed-off-blogger? Cause I’m giving that pretty hard right now.

The Guy who Gets a Weave6. Useless Male-Model Moment: Hipster Phil got a weave this episode, which may have made him extra-special condescending: He claims his post-makeover mane is very “Jesus-surfer-Tarzan.”

While it might be that Hipster Phil is a complete moron, it is also possible that Hipster Phil was having a stroke and that the part of his brain that controls his use of language had temporarily malfunctioned, accidentally creating a pleasant surrealist one line poem. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and go with the latter.

7. Predictable Narrative Structure Predicated by Editing: Mike won this week’s challenge, but Chlea got a little bit too much screen time in the first five minutes—so it was pretty obvious she was going home. And home she went! Which is a shame, because after Chlea told Kelly Cutrone that she was being a See You Next Tuesday, I was sort of rooting for her.

The madness continues next week, so check back for more caustic commentary. I hate this show!

freelance pop-culture blogger (NNN, MTV Iggy, Oxygen) / recovering academic / wannabe club kid / satanic hipster / talentless DJ.