“America’s Next Top Model” Recap: The Guy Who Wears Heels

america's next top model

Whoa! America’s Next Top Model has moved to Friday nights, causing us all to wait four extra days for our manic mannequins. Was I the only one who found myself awkwardly missing this gang?

Ah, well.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder. What have our friends been up to this week?!

Screen shot 2014-10-04 at 12.31.51 AMLove Chain: So Mirjana and Denzel are still a thing and Keith and Kari are still a thing. But during this week’s acting mini-challenge, Denzel and Shei are partnered up. The two swap spit (acting!) and Mirjana gets all jealous.

It doesn’t help the situation that the new pair’s performance garners Denzel the win.

Mirjana confronts Denzel, who is tiring of her crazy banji-girl attitude. “There’s no point in dating someone if I can’t see myself marrying them,” he says.  No one even bother’s mentioning Mirjana’s beau back home.

Shei can’t be bothered with this and manages to avoid all confrontations unscathed.

Screen shot 2014-10-04 at 12.30.41 AMGender Normative Bull: The acting mini-challenge is one of the hardest ones yet, mostly because the script is half nonsense. Will has an especially hard time pretending to be straight.

Later, he overhears Denzel and Keith engaging in some homophobic nonsense. Denzel complains to Keith that he would be embarrassed to be sent home by a guy who wears heels —and whines about being perceived as gay because he’s involved in fashion.

Ugh, straight guys have it so hard!

Will is understandably upset about the incident and finds unexpected comfort in Adam, who finally comes clean about an incident in college. Adam was found out to have done a bit of gay-bashing in his past. And while his version of events differ from what was reported, his apologies to Will (and by extrapolation the entire gay community) seems sincere. He also gives Will a back-rub.

Denzel tries to approach Will to explain his side of the story (read: Spout some more homophobic, misogynistic vitriol) but Will is having none of it.

Screen shot 2014-10-04 at 12.38.34 AMThe argument reaches a climax at judging when Will shows up in six-inch patent leather heels. Tyra inquires about this bold sartorial decision, leading to a confrontation between Will and Denzel.

For perhaps the first time in this show’s 21 cycle run Tyra Banks is the voice of reason: “Who gives a fuck?! I want to take you back 50 years. Imagine you overhear Will say ’I hope that Denzel guy doesn’t win, because if a black guy wins, my friends at home are going to say I’m in some [censored].”

Well, damn. Even a broke watch is right twice a day.

Psuedoartistic Photo Shoot: Amidst all the hormones and homophobia there’s an actual modeling competition.This week Franco Lacosta has planned a Frozen-themed shoot, during which the models have to lie down on ice.

Cameras! Yelling! Lights! Adam gets in an obligatory comment about pledging to his frat while the other models are… adequate.  Will sweetly talks about being inspired by Franco and Yu Tsai because they are successful homosexuals, the likes of which he has never seen before.

Oh honey, have you heard of RuPaul?

Cat Fight: During Raelia’s shoot, Mirjana is throwing shade from the sidelines. When Raelia finishes, Banji Queen 2014 pulls her off to the side to tell her “YOU LOOKED WEIRD!”  But it’s hard to take someone seriously when they have a giant plastic icicle glued to their face. Later, the two fight some more.  Nothing is resolved, but Raelia calls Mirjana “Mer-GINA”, which is a pretty great drag name.

Beard Weave: In case anyone was wondering, Denzel’s beard weave is so appallingly bad that Tyra tells him not to bother wearing it to judging.

Screen shot 2014-10-04 at 12.28.20 AM

Actually Surprising Elimination: While most of the models are middling, Lenox manages to capture another breathtaking shot and easily takes the win.

Kari and Raelia wind up on the bottom two, and Kari is sent home. She takes the bad news in stride, but on the inside is probably pissed she was turned into a frigid bleach-blonde stripper only to be beaten out by a motley gang of immature football players and frat boys.

Check back next time for our recap of America’s Next Top Model Episode 8!

freelance pop-culture blogger (NNN, MTV Iggy, Oxygen) / recovering academic / wannabe club kid / satanic hipster / talentless DJ.