I’m not exactly happy about it, but I can’t say that part of me didn’t enjoy watching the brat suffer. That said, this week brought more of what we’ve grown to expect from America’s Next Top Model, so let’s run through our list of Top Model tropes and see which apply, shall we?
Predictable Gender-Normative Bullshit: This week’s challenge involved PR god Kelly Kutrone doing her best impression of the Penguin from Tim Burton’s Batman and quizzing the models on their knowledge of other top models and fashion icons. Resident queer Cory (right) doesn’t recognize a picture of Donatella Versace causing Renee to proclaim, “You’re gay, you’re supposed to know those things!”
This offended me deeply. But is also true.
Cat Fight: It’s shocking that the men on America’s Next Top Model have been the only source of conflict. The ladies have been more docile that a pack of sister-wives. This week, Chris H. And Marvin get on each others nerves (Why? Who knows? Who cares?) and bicker contemptuously, making them both less “focused” in their shoots.
What surprised me was how much they fought about who would “get more girls.” Because as far as I’ve seen, neither of them aren’t getting any. Also: Grow the fuck up.
Self-indulgent Tyra moment: Before the models go to their photo shoots they’re forced to walk through a gauntlet—and by gauntlet I mean a gallery devoted entirely to pictures of Tyra. This made me question whether this show had suddenly become some kind of hyperaware self-reflexive cultural parody.
Then I shake it off and remember Tyra Banks is just really narcissistic.
Bold-Faced Lie Told To Give The Show Artistic Credibility: Tyra is really holding on to this “living art” stuff—which, by the way is still not a thing. The shoot this week sees models striking poses as they’re drenched in buckets of paint. (Hmm, is this a product placement for the new Carrie remake?) Unsurprisingly, the models are not so into this idea: “I have this thing where I hate being sticky,” claims Jiana. Too easy.
Useless Things The Judges Say: Tyra tells Jourdan that she looks “nice and fresh and pinkie and boo.” Later, 60% of Tyra’s critiques are made up of unintelligible grunts, gasps, shrieks, and breaths. Meanwhile, Kelly Kutrone says that Chris H.’s picture looks like “Diaper-palooza.” Ah, yes, Diaper-palooza, the annual carnival of soiled underwear, hosted in the great city of Undietopia. Sure.
Uneventful Elimination: Jourdan (right) complains that Chris H. reminds her of her ex-husband, which is an absolutely ludicrous thing for a 19-year-old to be able to say. She gets tens across the board and wins this week, leaving star-crossed whatevers Phil and Jiana in the Bottom Two. Since we know nothing about Jiana’s tragic back story (meaning she might not have one) she is sent home. Byeeee!
We won’t miss you because we don’t know a God damn thing about you.
What a wonderful way to spend the Jewish holidays. See you all back here next week.