Just because I viciously berate Agents of T.Y.R.A. (a.k.a. America’s Next Top Model) week after week, doesn’t mean I don’t have a bizarre affection for show and its contestants. And I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been excitedly anticipating the final post-twist-ending fallout. But what do I get in return for waiting with bated breath?
A clip show.
Because just what we needed after last week’s wine-spill-causing cliffhanger is a motherfucking clip show.
Luckily, the entire flashback episode was packed with the predictable “never-before-seen” footage that every clip show ever has had, so we can continue with business as usual and count down the most predictable things that happened:
Predictable Gender-Normative Bullshit: The clip show starts off with Tyra insisting that, only in the modelling world are women paid more than men, thus perpetuating the myth that this competition is a war between females and males (despite the fact that the guys and girls are also competing against their own gender).
Similarly pandering was the fact that the clip show was centered around Tyra counting down the flirtiest moments of the season.
While I expected this to be a round-up of heterosexual PDA, I was pleasantly surprised to watch boys flirting with boys and girls flirting with girls as the numbers dwindled.
Unfortunately, pretty none of the flirtatious moments were even close to interesting, so let’s just move on.
Predictable Plot-Points Predicated By Editing: Last week we were told that a male model who had been eliminated would be returning (of course the credits started before they told us which one). Considering how Phil-centric this entire clip-show was, I have a feeling the producers were trying to get us to feel sympathetic towards the bearded man-child.
I think his triumphant return is imminent.
That said, Tyra’s insistence on Phil’s “unique” look and personality was pretty disingenuous. Phil is not unique. Everyone in Brooklyn looks like Phil.
On the third hand, the hairy hipster has a penchant for sleeping in abnormal places, and hinted that at a previous point in his life he may or may not have been legitimately homeless. So maybe that whole faux-poor thing isn’t a schtick.
Previously Off-Camera Relationship Revealed: Towards the beginning of the hour, we learned in never-before-seen footage that Mike and Bianca were probably hooking up, off-camera which may have been interesting if anyone cared about either of them. .
Bold-Faced Lie Told To Give This Show Artistic Credibility: Nope, got nothing this time. Pure schlock for an hour straight.
Cat Fight: More footage of Chris H. and Marvin trash talking each other. I’m pretty sure both these guys are actually 6-year-olds. Supporting this hypothesis is the fact that Chris H. cries because he can not jump rope and that Marvin plays with a hula hoop. Also, Marvin has trouble controlling his boners.
Assorted Highlights: Since there’s no plot development to comment on this week, below you’ll find a list of things that fall out of the traditional scope of these recaps, but still deserve snarky skewering.
- Chris H. makes a joke about butt sex. No one laughs because it wasn’t funny.
- Chlea complains that white girls get all the attention, which is just historically true.
- Kelly Kutrone displays actual human empathy when Renee cries about not getting her hair cut.
- Marvin does impersonations of both BryanBoy and Tyra that would be really homophobic and really racist if the judges weren’t cartoon characters.
- “It is not my fault I know how to trash talk”—Marvin. Just a good one liner.
stroke victimpsychic visits the model house and makes Jourdan and Cory cry with her generic self-help sounding babble about vulnerabilityextrasensory perceptions.
Well, that was a waste of an hour of my life (which, on second thought, sort of feels like a redundant thing to say about any episode of Top Model).
Tune in next week when one of the male models (read: probably, almost definitely Phil) returns!