Anderson Cooper Gets That Heavy Metal Theme Song He Always Wanted

Anderson Cooper heavy metalCNN heartthrob and professional gigglebox Anderson Cooper now has his own metal theme song. The musical ode “Anderson Cooper” extols the CNN newscaster’s many Anderson Cooper-ish qualities in its lyrics, including:

“Can politely question absolutely anyone into telling the truth”

“Stole his hair from the mane of Pegasus

“He flies!”

Even with all their compliments, noisy rock band Cryptic Murmurs paints a very human picture of the journalist demigod. They don’t shy away from discussing his finding the “CNN set extremely difficult to navigate” or “trouble with 3D technology.” Perhaps it’s this compelling juxtaposition of nigh-supernatural abilities against all too human flaws which lead to Cooper analyzing this ballad during his “Ridiculist” segment.

Sonically, Cryptic Murmurs draw from diverse sources for “Anderson Cooper”. They’re musically similar to The Dillinger Escape Plan, Melt-Banana or an exquisitely tuned weed whacker. We can only hope they follow up with more news anchor anthems. Subjects could include one about Piers Morgan entitled “Piers Morgan”, a Wolf Blitzer homage called “Wolf Blitzer”, or “Large Troll-Like Human Bean Bag” focusing on Rush Limbaugh.