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"Arrow" 3.16 Recap: A League Of His Own

Oliver has a choice to make about that job offer, but while that's going on more murdering happens.

Previously on Arrow.... Due to the mischievous hijinks of Malcolm Merlyn, the League of Assassins got all up in Oliver's grill. As punishment, Thea handed her dad over to Ra's al Ghul, but Oliver didn't think that was a good idea so he ran off to defeat the entire League with only his pal Diggle for help. Surprising no one, he failed. In reward for his moxy, though, Ra's offered to let him take over as head demon, or demon's head, or demon of giving head or something—the translation is a little iffy.

And all the fans went, "Wait, what?"

Oliver is a man of many talents, but first and foremost among them is being a snotty, sullen brat. Ra's is a perfect gentleman, giving him a tour of his house, offering him a luxurious, immortality-giving bath, treating him to a meal fit for a Roman emperor. And all Oliver can do is pout and grumble, "You're a great big meanie-head who kills people."

It really was like watching someone talk to a child.

Ra's explains that if Oliver wants the League of Assassins to become the League of Thumping People on the Head then that's totally his call. Oliver refuses to let that interfere with his sulk-fest. I get it, though. If he had infinite resources to right all the wrongs of the world, what then could he brood about? And he's practiced so hard to be as good as he is at brooding.

"If you keep going like you do, everyone will eventually hate you and you'll die all alone and miserable," Ra's warns him.

Little does he know that such an idea makes Oliver pop major wood.

In order to make Oliver stop sulking, Ra's offers him a lollipop and to let him go home and take his pals with him with all blood debts forgiven and he can even keep the fluffy towels from the Nanda Parbat day spa. As sullenly as he can manage, Oliver takes his people home.

Thea, not to be outdone by her guilt-obsessed big bro, demands that Nyssa kill her. Nyssa has grown comfortable with the idea of Malcolm paying for the crime, though, so she declines to skewer Thea, which makes Thea cranky.

Sigh.... Oh Thea. And you were doing so well, too.

Oliver drops by the loft to give Thea the good news that her attempt at patricide has been thwarted. She's not overwhelmed with joy at the news. Even less pleasing to her is the news that she's going to be Malcolm's nursemaid because he has nowhere else to go. Uh, he's still a billionaire. And he's officially free of his assassin problem. But whatever.

Everyone's all, "Hey, Oliver, how'd you get this sweet deal from Ra's anyhow?"

And Oliver, who has never met a question he can't avoid, insists that it's totally not important. Instead, he wants to get back to vigilante-ing. Fortunately, there's always crime afoot in Starling so it's easy to find some lowlifes to rough up.

In this case, it's one of the Bringers from Buffy.... Wait, no. Okay, it's the Mute from Teen Wolf.... No, really it's the Mumbler or Mutterer something. And he has a whole gang of thugs ready to help him steal stuff which, ironically, turns out to not be that valuable.

In spite of the fact that three super heroes go after his crew, he still gets away with about half of the goods. One day I hope Oliver will realize that shooting the tires of the getaway vehicle before it starts moving is a good idea.

Oliver then has one of his balcony meetings with Captain Lance, but that doesn't go at all well. Much to my displeasure, Lance has reverted to season one Lance. And why? Because of Laurel and that damned big lie plot.

Oliver, just tell the grumpy policeman that it wasn't your call.

Over at Palmer Technologies, Raylicity is in full swing. They seem to have slid rather comfortably into couples territory. I know, it hurts to see her happy with a guy who appreciates her and treats her with respect, but we all just have to find it in us to accept it.

Oliver is having trouble with the "accepting" part. He's like the kid who didn't want the toy until another kid started playing with it. However, while he pouts, he doesn't actually make any snarky comments so I guess that's progress. Why he went to her work instead of calling her like always is one of those mysteries that not even Oliver can answer.

Felicity welcomes him to the Friend Zone and tells him she hopes he enjoys his stay.

Laurel stops by the loft to talk to Thea about how maybe possibly wanting to murder Malcolm may not be how one feeds the good wolf inside them. Thea doesn't want to hear it, though. I notice however, that for all that she hates Malcolm that hasn't made her move out of the loft. Little princess likes daddy's money, at least.

Malcolm feels bad. No, he doesn't feel bad for making Thea kill Sara. And he doesn't feel bad about torturing her to turn her into a fierce fighting machine. No, he feels bad because she feels bad and like any good father he wants to make her feel better so he offers to let her kill him.

Well.... That's, er, really sweet Malcolm....

Nyssa, who is really racking up the frequent flyer miles, storms into her dad's pacing chamber to demand to know why Malcolm hasn't been brutally and permanently ended like a Game of Thrones character. Ra's doesn't like her tone, or her questioning of him, or the idea that she has feelings of any kind.

"Oh, and bee tee dubs, I asked Oliver Queen to take my place."

"This is worse than when you said that gay couples make fake families. Why can't you just accept me for who I am?"

"Did you miss the fact, somehow, all while you were growing up that I happen to be totes evil?"

And then he sends her to her room without supper.

The diamonds that were stolen are industrial grade, which it turns out is a real thing. It's a mystery why anyone would steal a case full of them, so Roy offers to take on the job. He used to work the streets.... Um walk the streets? Frequent the streets? Back before he became a mighty defender of justice and Oliver's "companion." Oliver gives him a grip of the shoulder, which is code for "extra snuggles for you later" and sends him off to do his duty.

That gives Diggle a chance to call Oliver on his BS about how they all got out of Nanda Parbat with all their vital organs intact. Oliver shocks me to the bone by actually fessing up about the offer. To him, it just seems like the usual headhunting thing—once you're known to be good at something like hurting people until they cry for their mamas, everybody wants to hire you.

Diggle's like, "What did he do when you said no? Man, I bet he was.... Oh, crap, you're considering it. Oliver...."

And Oliver's all, "Well, come on, what have I actually accomplished in the past two years? I mean, we've had some laughs, killed some people, sure, but the population has dropped by like half and most of the people left are criminals. Oh, and Felicity is with Ray now and that hurts me."

"So, you want to take your incompetence global?"

No, wait, Diggle didn't say that. That was just me.

Over at the loft, Thea's pity party is in full swing. And she wonders why no one ever tells her anything. If she's going to react this way every time her father uses her for one of his nefarious schemes then she's just determined to be miserable.

Oliver tells Malcolm about the offer and Malcolm snickers, "Offer, huh? That's what you think? How did you ever defeat me again?"

Felicity does her thing of being Oliver's moral compass. Even as she's bucking him up and telling him to stop moping, she's making it clear that the Friend Zone is his forever home which makes any hints at Olicity in this scene null and void. Sorry, still basking.

Oliver goes on about how Lance hates him for lying to him and says he's right to do so. Oh lordie, will someone slap him? It wasn't his idea. But he just soaks up guilt like a sponge. He really needs to work that off, like say on the salmon ladder. Without a shirt. Or, well, anything else really. I'm just saying, the lack of abs on the show makes it harder to ignore the ways that Oliver needs a serious smacking.

Digg and Roy have discovered that the diamonds are for armor-piercing bullets. This week's sociopath is out to kill some cops—or, well, all the cops. Man, and there aren't that many of them left.

Laurel shows up at the precinct and tells her dad to speed up the forgiveness arc a little because neither of them is getting any younger. But Lance tells her that her optimism is unfounded because he doesn't see any timeframe in which he will forgive her.

Fortunately, the army of gunmen show up and start murdering everyone before either of the Lances can say something they'll regret.

Oliver and Roy can arrive at any crime scene faster than Barry Allen, but apparently getting to the police precinct takes them an hour or so. So people die. And papers get un-collated. And more people die. And get shot. And die. Captain Lance orders his daughter to run for her life, which she does under protest. That only leads her right into the barrel of a gun.

Does she save herself? No. Does Oliver save her? No.

She gets saved by a bad-ass, pissed-off lesbian with daddy issues. For reasons all her own, Nyssa has returned to Star City just in the nick of time. I may possibly have let out a whoop.

Oliver and Roy show up after Nyssa has done all the heavy lifting—that is, killed about a dozen thugs. Oliver does personally catch Mumbles, but that doesn't get him out of Lance's bad books. I really hope this is not going to last long.

Nyssa approaches Laurel afterwards and invites her for coffee so they can bitch about their fathers. I'm pretty sure Nyssa is planning to use Laurel in some scheme, but for the moment I am happily shipping the two of them. And if Lauryssa becomes canon, I will be a very happy tiger cub.

Oliver thanks Felicity for helping him (temporarily) get his head out of his ass. He even verbalizes that she was right which is a banner day for him. Felicity is all kinds of happy and she still doesn't look even tempted to get back on board the crazy train.

There was a scene where Thea showed up at Roy's place, but the reception went out on my TV for a few minutes, so I have no idea what happened. Let me repeat: I have no idea what happened. It was all just distorted lines. Not even any dialogue.

Leave it alone.

Ra's has decided to incentivize Oliver to take up his offer by impersonating the Arrow and going around murdering people. Man, the most pressure anyone's ever put on me to take a job was offering me a Starbucks gift card if I signed up.

So, that's where we leave our dysfunctional, messed up band of heroes. See you next week!

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