Your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patented blend of advice and adult beverages. So slide on up to the bar my friends. Now, what can I get you?
Hey JT, I have a very long-winded question, but based on your other answers, I think you can give me some good insight.
So I’m a 19-year-old gay boy/man and I’m perfectly comfortable with my sexuality. However, I can’t stop thinking about what my future is going to hold for me. I dream of growing up, getting married, having kids, and growing old with someone. I know it’s cheesy, but it’s what I want. The problem is, I see the gay community as it is, and it just doesn’t look like that’s really a probable outcome. I don’t want to grow old and be like the guys on grindr, a4a, etc. that are 40+ and hitting on guys my age. I want the Harris/Burtka relationship.
But how rare is that? Are these ideals too much to ask for in the current world we live in? Am I just overreacting?
Quickly Understanding Every Single Thing I Once “Needed” Is Not Guaranteed
The only method to combat existential depression is to pose dramatically.
I will advise you in the same way I did my friend Jessie as she prepared for her end of term exams: chill the f**k out. (Which I say with love!)
You say you’re worried about ending up being in your forties (which you adorably refer to as “old”) and hitting on a 19-year-old on Grindr, and you worry this may be inevitable because you see the “gay community as it is.”
You don’t see the gay community as it is, QUESTIONING. You see it as your worst fears tell you it is. You see, there’s a big, sweet world out there full of decent, eligible gay men who are just as interested in a loving pair-bond as you are. I promise. It’s a little trickier finding a lifemate when you’re gay, but if it wasn’t possible, do you think thousands upon thousands of gay couples would get married every time a state legalizes same-sex marriage?
Lest you think I’m being harsh, know that I mean this in the most fun-older-brother-way: you’re freaking out about this because you’re 19, and the world suddenly looks big and weird. You’re not a kid anymore, so you’re starting to get a worldview that’s infused with crap we try to protect kids from, which can make life depressing. But you’re not really old enough yet to know how to filter out the bad stuff and focus on how much awesome there is. As you get older, you’ll see there’s a lot more to the gay community – and the world in general – than what you’re seeing right now.
One last thing: If you don’t want to be confronted with the image of creepy old guys on Grindr, maybe you should consider not being on Grindr yourself. The older guys aren’t hitting on you because they’re gay men, they’re hitting on you because they’re men. Men are absolutely disgusting, no matter what their orientation.
The more you know!
(And before you all blow up the comment section, yes, I’m kidding.)
Let me give you the cliff notes version of my problem: gay guy falls for “straight” best friend. From there it gets weird.
See, for 13 years we’ve done everything together. We talk to each other more than anyone else – day/night. We go to dinner – I pay. We go on vacation – I pay. We talk about going on more vacations and he says, “Yeah, let’s do it.” He needs tons of dental work and calls me to get it done. He needs new clothes, I help him decide. It’s like we’re an old married couple – without the sex. Though he knows that’s how I feel. We spoke about it once and he said he’ll never talk about it again. We went on vacation one time and he sat and cried because he thought the people we were with would think he was gay.
Every once in a great while he goes out with a girl. (Like now.) And then he stops talking to me and won’t do anything with me. I had to find out he was going out with someone from my mom. If I were to ask him about it he’d just say it’s none of my business. The night I found out this time he got drunk and the only thing he said was “Don’t be mad at me.” And these relationships never last and then he feels bad and says he’s sorry and comes back and wants to do something with me or go someplace, etc, etc.
My friends all say just drop him – that he’s got some deeply hidden issues and will never deal with things. Now more and more I feel used. I’m not getting any younger and would really like to have someone that cares about me as much as I care about them.
Any new tricks you can suggest to get outta this rut?
Tired and confused.
Any tricks? Yes. Here’s what I want you to do. Go back and re-read the letter you wrote to me. Then pretend someone else wrote it and was asking you for advice.
I think you know what you’d say.
This guy is not your best friend. He’s your worst enemy, and what’s more, it sounds like he’s his own worst enemy, too. You need to get this guy out of your life. Today.
You’ll never get the past thirteen years back, but you can make sure you don’t spend the next thirteen years ago being someone else’s doormat. You deserve better.
My girlfriends and I were trying to come up with an answer for this, but couldn’t do it. And then it occurred to us: of course, we’ll ask JT!
What do you think was the best song ever performed on Glee?
Jackie and Friends
Holy crap. Would you believe I’ve never actually sat down and tried to figure that out? Me, whose love of Glee is so well-documented.
Obviously there’s a lot of contenders, considering some episodes have upwards of seven or more numbers. Plus, the answer to this can never be anything but totally subjective. I can list a ton off the top of my head that I’ve listened to over and over again: “And I am Telling You,” which upon first listen I fell to the floor in praise of Amber Riley’s jaw-dropping voice; “Teenage Dream,” which simultaneously A)introduced the world to Darren Criss, B)marked the first time I enjoyed a Katy Perry hit, and C)was the first hint at just how queer Glee’s second season would be; “Rumor Has It/Someone Like You,” which was perhaps the best mash-up ever featured on the show; “One Hand, One Heart,” a standard from West Side Story that showcases Lea Michele’s legit soprano vocals in addition to her powerhouse belting; “Somewhere Only We Know,” which was the pinnacle of Kurt’s emotional journey as his new boyfriend says good-bye to him (watch the scene and tell me you didn’t cry) … the list goes on and on.
But if I had to choose the best one, it’s hard to ignore the song that first made everyone sit up and learn what the hell this Glee thing was all about – that old warhorse that started it all, Don’t Stop Believin’.
But that’s me. What are your favorites?
To ask JT a question, email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Messages may be edited for space.
You can find previous editions of AfterElton’s Ask JT advice column here.