JT,

I came out to my parents and my brother when I was 16, and they were nothing but loving and supportive.   I just turned 23 and am working towards my Ph.D. away from home.  My brother, who is two years older than me, has been living at home with our parents for the last 3 years while he earned his master’s degree.  A few weeks ago, I was visiting home, and he told me that he was gay.

I didn’t really handle it very well, for these reasons: 1) I was taken completely by surprise that he was gay (and yes, I am completely aware of the irony of the situation).  2) I thought our relationship was extremely honest and was disappointed and hurt to find out that that was not the case.  And 3) I am extremely frustrated that he doesn’t want to tell our parents.

We’ve talked about the first two points to some extent since then and are in a better place personally, but I don’t know what to do about the situation as far as our parents are concerned.  I have asked him when he wants to tell them, and he told me when he moves out.  As of now, though, he doesn’t have any plans to move out.  I’m baffled, and have told him so, as to why he doesn’t want to come out to our parents, especially considering he’s seen them deal with this exact situation and handle it beautifully.  The only answer that I can seem to get out of him is that he isn’t ready.  While I completely get that this is his issue and he needs to deal with it in his own time, it has put me in a really weird situation.  For the last 6½ years I have been nothing but honest with my parents, and I hate that he has put me back in the closet, so to speak.  

Concerned Younger Brother

Now here’s a situation you don’t see every day.

Well, to begin with, let’s all recite the First Golden Rule of Gay that you yourself have acknowledged: everyone should come out on their own schedule. (The Second Golden Rule of Gay is “do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Especially when it involves mouth stuff.” You know, if you're keeping track.)

So, okay, back to you. Here we have two young super-smart gay brothers. Aside from being indie romcom gold, this also seems like it can be a breeding ground for some old-fashioned sibling rivalry. Being the younger half of a pair of brothers myself (my bro’s not gay, but sadly is, in fact, a Bro), I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother’s reluctance to come out had something to do with you getting there first, and so successfully.

It could also have something to do with the fact that once one of the children in a two-kid home removes himself from the hetero equation, any hope the parents have of having grandchildren the old-school way is placed entirely on the other, putting your brother in a super awkward position.

But that’s all conjecture. Here’s what we know:

For almost seven years, you’ve been out and proud, and it’s been smooth sailing. For you. But he waited all this time before he even felt comfortable enough to tell you - you, who had been in the same position he is now - about his situation.

What that tells us is that, for whatever reason, your brother hasn’t really made peace with being gay. He told you he “isn’t ready” to come out because, guess what? He isn’t. There could be any number of contributing factors.

But you’re in a unique position to really help him get to the place where he can come out to your parents. He’s rebuffing your attempts at a dialogue right now, but he already took a huge step. He came out to you. He wouldn’t have done that if he then never wanted to talk about it again.

So let him take his time. Tell him that you want to talk to him about this, and you’re there for him at all times, but you respect his space and aren’t there to push. Gently remind him how wonderful your folks were when you came out, and assure him there’s no reason it would be any different for him.

Remember, coming out is a different experience for everyone. I understand your desire to not have to hide this from your parents, but it's his truth to tell. Be the best brother you can, and let him open up on his own time. And remember, he already got the ball rolling by telling you.

Hey JT,

I just finished my junior year of college. When the school year began, I developed a huge crush on one of my straight friends (let’s call him Kevin). I’m out, but I’m the only gay one in my circle of friends. Kevin is exactly my type: sensitive, artistic, silly, adorable. He always joked that he was the gayest straight guy in the world because he was so into art and literature, and I guess that was what started my crush. By the beginning of this past semester, my feelings ballooned and I fell in total love with him.

I didn’t want to talk to any of my guy friends about it, because they were all straight and I didn’t think they’d get it. I did, however, confide in my best friend (we’ll call her Rachel). I poured my heart out to her many times over a few months, and she was so kind and understanding. Even though I knew nothing could ever happen between us, he was all I thought about, and just thinking about him made me smile.

At the end of the semester, we all went to a huge party, and I walked into a room to find Kevin making out … with Rachel. I can’t even explain the agony that caused. I haven’t spoken to her since, although she’s tried to get in touch with me. Am I wrong for feeling so hurt and betrayed? I’ve been a huge mess ever since and don’t know what to do, and now I’m home for the summer. And the worst part is I’m still in love with Kevin. Will I ever get over this? I’ve never felt this way about anyone ever before. Any help would be amazing.

Nineteen and Lost

Yikes.

I feel ya, buddy, that’s a tough hand. I went through something similar in college (though without the CW-soap-style twist at the end there), and I imagine many of our readers have, too.

You guys know what I’m talking about. Falling for a straight dude. And falling hard.

All right, let’s break it down. You have two major questions: what to do about your feelings for Kevin, and how to handle your anger towards Rachel.

First, your feelings for Kevin. Okay, this kind of breaks my heart to write, but here it is: there’s only one thing that can mend your unfortunate situation with him, and that’s time. When you first fall in love with someone, whether it’s mutual or unrequited, they become the center of your world. But no passion, no matter how burning or intense, lasts forever. I’m not saying your love for him is going to fade right away. But time will lessen the hold he has on you.

The other thing I’d like to point out is that you mentioned all of your friends are straight. It’s a common phenomenon among young gay guys that they fall for their straight friends because they haven’t yet experienced a wide enough sample of other gay guys. I’m not saying that to in anyway diminish the weight of your feelings for Kevin, just to let you know you’re not alone in going through what you’re going through.

Now, for Rachel. I don’t know you guys, so I have no way of knowing if she just made a really poor judgment call or if she’s secretly evil, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume the best. So let’s say she was sincere in listening and being there for you, then discovered she had feelings for Kevin herself and acted on them in a really unfortunate moment.

The fact that she’s tried to contact you shows that she feels bad and wants to set things right. Here’s what I think you should do: take as much time as you need to process your feelings and then try as best as you can to forgive her. Forgiveness has been proven over and over again to be amazingly beneficial to the person who is doing the forgiving. By making peace with her, you’ll be doing yourself a world of good.

Wow, that got way emotional. I didn’t even throw in one dick joke. How about a fluff question next?

Hey JT,

My friends and I were having an argument over who should play Wonder Woman if they ever get around to making a damn movie. One of my friends thinks it should be Megan Fox (ugh), another thinks Emma Stone, but I say it should be Milla Jovovich. So who’s it gonna be?

I’m with you on the ugh-ing Megan Fox. Emma Stone doesn’t seem like the best fit to me, and Milla Jovovich doesn’t really, in my opinion, have the acting chops. My choice probably isn’t the direction many would opt for, but here we go anyway:

I’d go with Natalie Dormer.

For those of you who don’t know the name, she played Anne Boleyn on The Tudors and is currently Margaery Tyrell on Game of Thrones. She’s a bit petite for a superhero, true, but hear me out.

She’s a phenomenal actress. One thing I’ve learned in my time as an actor is you can teach almost any actor - particular those trained in theater (as Dormer is) - the mechanics of combat choreography, and fill in the blanks with stunt people, so a black belt in kung fu isn’t a prerequisite for the part. But you can’t teach just anyone how to act, as we’ve seen time and time again when martial artists try to become movie stars.

And what’s more, for a small woman, she has an intense presence, and a lot of that has to do with her impressive vocal range (again, this is where solid theater training comes in). She showed on The Tudors that she can be girlishly tee-heeing in one scene, only to later drop her voice down about two octaves and bellow how she’ll destroy her enemies. Way impressive and bad-ass.

So that’s my pick. Thoughts?