I’m 24 years old and just started coming out as gay. I’ve had a few guy-on-guy encounters in the last couple of years, but no proper relationships. It didn’t used to bother me, but recently I’ve been feeling pretty lonely.
Now the problem is this: I’m really close with a female friend, and want to watch films with her and cuddle up, etc., but I in no way want to have sex with her. In my mind it sounds like I want a sex-free relationship, and whilst I don’t have the highest sex drive, what I do have is for guys. What do you think? Does it sound like I am after a sexless relationship, or are these things two friends could do with each other as friends and nothing more?
Confused in England
Friends can totally have a comfortable, non-sexual intimacy. It happens all the time, and you would definitely not be the first young gay guy to cuddle up to a close female friend while watching a movie.
I mean “whilst!” Whilst watching a movie. I love the way you people talk.
But, look, man, I don’t think your issue is about whether or not it’s appropriate to snuggle up to a friend in a platonic way. That’s not really so mysterious, as there’s pretty much a whole genre of movies and TV shows that center on gay male/straight female relationships where cuddling is the norm.
Seems like you may just be yearning for any kind of intimacy right now, and since you’re still new to being out and gay, the idea of that comfortable, non-threatening body closeness seems much more attainable and much less scary with a girl.
I think we can all agree that gay sex is super hot, and that it’s especially hot when you’re first starting out, because it’s all “WOW, PENIS! PENIS THAT ISN’T MINE! WOW!!” So that’s all well and good. But if all of your encounters with guys (I’m sorry, I mean “blokes”) are less romantic-comedy-ish and more Xtube.com-ish, then you’re not yet aware that non-sexual intimacy with another guy is a wonderful feeling in a whole different way.
Here’s my prescription: cuddle away with the girl in question, provided she’s equally cuddle-minded, and knows you’re totally gay and there’s not a possibility of something all sexy-like happening. But don’t cut yourself off to the idea of pursuing relationships with guys, because they can be pretty kick-ass cuddlers, too.
I have this awkward issue I need your help with. I’m in my early 20’s in a very gay-friendly city on the west coast. I didn’t get a lot of action in high school and college, and so I’ve really been enjoying the life of a swinging single now that I’m around a lot of very fun, very out men.
I’ll own that I’ve been basically a giant slut for the past six months. Not ashamed of that at all. What worries me a little bit is that while I’ve always practiced safe anal sex, I haven’t been careful at all with oral sex. I know that oral sex doesn’t carry as many risks as anal, but it still isn’t completely safe. I want to ask the guys I’m with if they’ve been tested and what their status is, but that seems like such an awkward thing to bring up. So here’s my question – is it okay to ask your one night stand what his status is, or is that a total gay faux pas?
Are you HIGH? What decade are you living in, dude?
Yes, of course it’s okay to ask a guy you’re about to get all grind-y with what his status is. It’s more than okay. It’s expected. In fact, I COMMAND THEE TO ASK, HO!
Listen, I think it’s totally boss that you’re having a grand old time as you cut a libidinous swath through the gay population of your local hood. And I support your God-given right to be a giant dong-vacuum. More power to you, and if you feel like taping some of your escapades and sending them to me, hey, even better!
But seriously, if you’re mature enough to be bumping uglies, than you should be mature enough to discuss what is a very serious health risk. And if you’re angelic enough to bestow upon someone a beej (and they do come from angels, if any of you were curious), then you have every damn right to know what the situation is with him.
Talk about your status and inquire about your dude-du-jour’s status. Don’t wait for him to bring it up. Be proactive. Once the belt buckles hit the floor you know you’re going to be occupied with other things, so make sure you talk before that happens. Ask him. ASK HIM. It’s your right to know.
Also, it’s good to remember that a little flavored-condom action never hurt anyone. If you’re not going to use condoms, don’t have your guy come in your mouth. But remember, even pre-ejaculate can be harmful and can get into microscopic cuts in your mouth. Long and short of it is, whenever there’s unprotected sexual contact, there’s risk.
Another good rule of thumb is to do it with the lights on so you can really inspect the equipment you’re about to go totally buckwild on. But the most important thing to take away from this is never, ever be shy about asking a hook-up’s status.
Okay, I know you’re a sci-fi/fantasy geek, so maybe you can settle this for my friends and me once and for all: Frak/Marry/Kill – Mal Reynolds, Lee Adama, and Captain Kirk (Chris Pine edition). Make it so!
Wowzers. Okay, uh, let’s see … Marry Mal Reynolds, no question. Then I think I’d frak Kirk and, only because there’s no option left, kill Lee “Apollo” Adama, and then cry at the loss of his beautiful space-hotness. But if given my druthers, I’d run a diagnostic on all their warp drives, you know what I’m sayin’?