Hi JT,

I'm 23 and I've been dating this guy for a year now. It’s had its ups and downs but we're in a good place now. The thing is, he's 32. Now that in itself isn't that bad, but the fact remains, he's done a lot more things than I have. He's had his wild, hormone-driven sexcapades, and now he's ready to settle down. His sex drive has also taken a bit of a nose-dive.

I tend to sometimes resent that he had all these experiences and I haven't. True, I'm only just getting into my twenties but with a serious relationship I don't think I'll get any of them. Furthermore I'm like a nymphomaniac at the present time, and with him I'm lucky if I get some "hanky panky" once a week, which was the cause of one of our major quarrels. I don't know... am I being too demanding? I really love the guy, and I do see him as husband material and the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, but a part of me always resents him for what he got to do that I presumably never will. HELP!

Conflicted and in Love.

Most men hate to admit this, but it isn't unheard of for one to start losing his sex drive as he gets into his thirties and beyond (but like most sex-related issues, it's rarely that simple). What’s more, a lot of people - men and women - start having less sex once they’re in an established relationship, because nothing kills the fire like routine. Margaret Cho used to do this bit about chastely living with her boyfriend, where she pointed out that “now that the milk is free, we’ve both become lactose-intolerant.”

As for your issue with him having sown his wild oats, that’s a valid one, CAIL. 32 and 23 is a relatively significant age gap, considering a lot of gay men are just getting started dating at your age. And being a good partner to someone, like anything else, requires practice - practice that he (presuming he’s had more than just the hormone-driven sexcapades you mentioned) has had, and you have not. So yes, in brutal honesty, you guys have an uphill battle ahead of you.

You have a few options. You can tough it out, let him know about your feelings, and remind him that you’re 23 and you have needs DOWN THERE. If he’s unwilling to up his frequency in the sack, you can gently - gently! - bring up the possibility of opening up your relationship. But be forewarned, dude: this is VERY turbulent waters. He could interpret this as an attack on him as a man, and no guy wants to deal with that from their partner. Especially their super-horny decade-younger partner.

And then of course there’s the final option, which is confronting the possibility that this might not be meant to be. I’m not saying that’s the case. You clearly have a lot of love for this guy, and despite what the cynics say, sometimes love really does win out. But you and your man are also in very different places in life, and that’s not something to be ignored.

Hey JT,

I’m gay, and I really like this one guy who I just know is gay. I really want to ask this guy out, but he's closeted.

I’m also scared of the haters at school. I’m open at my school and am mostly accepted, but the few haters are mean and make me cry every time. They usually just use words, but can get physical. Marching band is the only class I feel truly accepted in.

Please help,

Hurting and Hoping

From the mouths of babes.

First thing I want to say: I’m really, really proud of you and really, really impressed that you’re out in high school. These days, a lot of people seem to think that it’s a non-issue for teens to come out, which blows my mind. It may be easier than it was twenty years ago, but in a country where gay marriage is still banned in most of our states, thus upholding bigotry in our law books, being open about who you are is still a monumentally brave act.

And you did it when you’re in your teens. You should be proud.

But as for your crush, let’s talk. You say you “just know he’s gay.” Since you didn’t elaborate, there are two possibilities: 1) Your gut instinct is telling you he plays for your team despite there being no solid proof, or 2) you have access to some sort of knowledge about him that most others don’t.

Knowing what I know about high school students (a bit of credentialing: I spent some time teaching at New York’s Harvey Milk High School), I’m guessing it’s Possibility #1. But even if it is #2, the fact remains: he’s not openly gay.

So even if he is gay, HAH, then he’s choosing to be in the closet right now, which is his choice to make. So out of respect for that, asking him out on a date wouldn’t be the move to make.

If he’s a friend of yours, then continue being his friend. If he ever seems to imply verbally that he might be gay, don’t jump on that as an opportunity for a hook-up. Let him know you’re his friend and will be there for him if he ever wants to talk. You can even tell him you have feelings for him, but you don’t want to push him, so you’ll let him take things at his own speed.

I know it seems overwhelming, and the unfulfilled desire to have that human contact with another gay guy can be unbearable sometimes. But remember, cliche though it may be now, it does get better. Eventually you’ll find someone who’s as awesomely out as you are ... and who knows? It may in time even turn out to be this guy. Or it may be someone else.

In the meantime, continue being the kick-ass out gay dude you are. And guess what? Because of your courage, even though you don’t know it, there are other closeted gay kids in your school who are inspired by you every day. They may not say it, but they’re there, and you’re doing them a great service.

And one last thing: these haters at your school. If they ever get physical, report them. No one has any right to put their hands on you.

Hey JT,

So now that it’s officially autumn, I’m having a shindig at my home and I was hoping you could hook me up with a seasonally-inspired beverage. Hopefully something pumpkin-y that’s not just pumpkin-flavored beer, because I’m already sick of that. What do ya got?

Autumn Bottom

Because your alias made me crack up, AB, I’ll help you out.

Fair warning: this drink is SWEET. But you asked for a pumpkin-flavored beverage, and thus you shall receive.

You need:

Two shots of whipped-cream-flavored vodka

Half-shot of Half and half

1 tablespoon canned pumpkin puree

1 tablespoon maple syrup (told you it was sweet)

¼ teaspoon vanilla extract

Cinnamon

Mix all of the ingredients except the cinnamon in a martini shaker with a spoon, then fill the shaker with ice. Shake it as hard as you can to get everything chilled and even, then strain into a martini glass. Top it with a sprinkling of cinnamon. Some people suggest rimming (stop laughing) the glass with sugar, but unless you enjoy your cocktails with a side order of diabetes, I’d say it’s okay to skip that. But to each his own.

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