As always, your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patented blend of advice and adult beverages. So slide on up to the bar my friends. Now, what can I get you?
Hello JT! Before I get down to the meat of this question, please allow me to faun over your dating chronicles. There are few things I look forward to more (Friday and the latest issue of LFG) on a thursday night than your SGM Seeks LTR in NYC column, and reading it always lightens my mood, regardless of how I felt beforehand. Now onto the task at hand:
I met my bf a little more than a month ago, and I really like him. We get along well, we have similar tastes, and we can relax in each other’s company. For an 18 year old who’s fresh to the dating scene, I would call that a rare catch that I should meet a guy like that this early on. The problem emerged in the bedroom. Before meeting him, I had recently turned 18, and was having an awesome time getting acquainted with all the fine men of my home city. With my bf, the problem has been the specific act of intercourse.
I’m still not terribly used to bottoming (I’m a top who wants to enjoy bottoming, but so far it’s not working) and I don’t enjoy topping him. This has led to a slow haul of the two of us spending time together and not really having full on sex. He and I are both busy with our respective lives (He works a lot, lives in the city; I go to school and work plus live at home in the suburbs) which makes it hard to see each other but once a week.
My eyes are starting to wander, and while I’ve suggested some things to him, he met the idea of threesomes with ambivalence and an open relationship with hostility. I really like him, but I also feel like I’m restraining myself by being in this relationship.
What do you advise Mister Riley? Stay with him even if it takes months upon months before we can consummate sex? Or sever things and move back to the tricks and turns of today’s gay landscape?
Hey, thanks for plugging my column, dude! Always appreciate when my readers enjoy my writing. You know, you really mean a lot to me.
And since I love you so much, let me give you my first bit of advice right now: stop being such a little tool.
I’ve found that there are two types of people who write into my column. People who are looking to be advised, and people who need to get adviced. And you, sir, need to get adviced. HARD.
Let’s break it down. You met a great guy. Great guys who you can relax around are rare and precious gems, and should be treated as such. Now, you’re fresh on the dating scene, and after an initial bout of passing yourself around like the cookie tray at an office party, you’re with one dude.
But you can’t seem to accomplish a particular sexual act that takes a lot of practice, time, and patience to achieve, so your eyes are already wandering. Strangely, this guy who you get along with so well got pissy when you talked about bringing other people into the equation, and now you think by staying with him you’re ‘restraining’ yourself.
Let’s do the math. You’ve been together a little over a month – which is no time at all for an adult relationship, bee tee dubbs – but you can only see each other once a week. So, you’ve gotten together, what, five times?
You don’t see the root of the problem here? Seriously? God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you kids these days?!
All right, now that that’s out of my system, I’d like to briefly talk to this reader in private, so Internet, do me a favor and step out of the room for a minute.
Are they gone?
Okay, kid, here’s the deal. Don’t feel bad about being a slut. A lot of gay guys, yours truly included, go through a slutty period when they first come out. Sorry if I sounded a little harsh back there. This is foremost an entertainment column and you gotta give the people what they want, which is the occasional light verbal dickslap every now and then.
You came across as a little selfish in your letter, but that’s because you’re still finding yourself and, more specifically, finding out who you are in the dating world.
Let’s talk about your boy for a sec. It’s great that you guys get along, but it also doesn’t really sound like you’re on the same page in terms of the things you want. You’re okay with not being monogamous, and he isn’t. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but that’s what we call a very likely deal-breaker. What might be best is for you guys to sit down and have a serious talk about what you expect out of a relationship.
When you do, make sure to be respectful of his feelings, because this can be highly emotional territory, especially for younger dudes who haven’t been in that many relationships. For monogamy-oriented individuals, hearing that their boyfriends wouldn’t mind getting plowed by a dick other than their own is perceived as a huge rejection, so tread lightly.
Okay, now for anal sex. Anal sex is great, it’s intimate, it feels amazing for both parties if done right, but here’s the thing: it takes time to master. Let’s put it this way: say you want to take up a new sport, like basketball. (God help me, I’m about to make a sports analogy.) Are you going to know all the rules instinctively? Are you going to be able to make a basket every time? Are you going to … um … do layups – okay, I don’t know what the f*ck I’m talking about.
“It’s sort of like … nope. Nope. Sorry.”
But here’s the point: as with learning anything, you need to go slowly and carefully and allow for some (or a lot of) mistakes. And the best way to do that is with someone you really, really trust and aren’t easily embarrassed around. It’s up to you to decide if the guy you’re with now makes the grade.
And it’s also not the be-all-end-all of gay sex. You say you haven’t “consummated” your sex life yet. But if you’ve jerked each other off, blown each other, rubbed your c*cks together, or in short had any contact with each other to provide pleasurable sexual feeling, you’ve already been having sex, buddy.
Anal sex is but one option on the menu. Or one butt option on the menu. However you want to say it.
Finally, if you do decide to end it with this guy, I’m not going to tell you to not be a little ho bag, because you’re old enough to make your own decisions. But if you do go that route, please please please use protection. No exceptions. No matter what. Deal?
And I will defer my final bit of advice to a much wiser man than I who goes by the name of Burt Hummell. “Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. ’Cause you matter.”
Best dad ever, am I right, folks?
As everyone else seems to preface their submissions to you, I’d like to say that I am a huge fan of your column. It’s made an at times frightened young gay boy feel very happy and a part of a larger community. So thank you.
I call on your expertise, o sage of the bar and of all things gay, to solve a problem. (Really, it’s more like two problems, now that I think of it.) After a long period of questioning, I realized I was gay and came out to the LGBT community at my school (which is very small and liberal and is in Los Angeles) as well as a few of my closer friends. All told, I’ve explicitly said to eight people that I’m gay, and sort of implied it to several others.
Here’s my first question: how do I come out to the rest of my classmates? Part of me doesn’t want to make it a big deal (and maybe to avoid the whole drama and hassle of coming out) while part of me wants a more dramatic, showy coming out that I might be able to turn into a screenplay or a stage musical at some later date, should I choose to. So, I ask your advice on that topic.
And secondly (and slightly less urgently, because I think I know the answer to this one) I’m in love with my best friend (a wonderfully funny, smart, intellectual, talented, handsome straight boy) and I don’t know what to do. I realize that I can’t make him gay, but Lord do I want to.
Any advice for a terribly confused freshman?
You know, Terribly Confused Freshman, you’re making my job very difficult. My aim with this column is to take people’s questions, try my best to answer them, throw in about five boner jokes, recommend an age-appropriate drink, and send ‘em on their way, hopefully entertaining the folks reading this on their computers.
Usually a great deal of snark is involved. That’s kinda my thing. But there’s something so innocent and sweet about your letter that I just want to give you a big hug.
You haven’t specified which eight people in your life you’ve explicitly come out to, but I have this hunch that those eight don’t include your parents. You also don’t specify if you’re a freshman in college or in high school, but that’s a pretty well-written letter so I’m going to assume you’re in college. (If you’re in high school, email me again and we’ll revise my advice.)
Okay, so you’re a frosh in college with a mean yen to come out. Here’s how you do it: when it comes up in conversation, casually mention that you’re gay.
I know. Boring.
But here’s the deal, TCF. I love that in your head, your life is a film or musical just waiting to happen, and each interaction is, for you, a scene that slowly unveils the plot. I can relate to that. That’s the kind of thinking that leads to you having the audacity to pitch to the editor of a well-known and respected web magazine a series based on nothing more than your dating life. I know. Self-centered, right?
But for most people, especially these days, especially at liberal schools in LA, finding out you’re gay isn’t going to be an earth-shattering event for them, and they may act weirdly around you if you try to make it a big thing. The fact is, straight people will never get what it feels like to come out. It’s just something they can’t relate to. So the best thing to do these days it to treat it as a non-issue. If you do that, most everyone else will follow your lead.
And guess what? I get the feeling you’re a pretty f**kin’ fabulous dude, and there are a whole bunch of things about you awesome enough to turn into a musical, your gayness being just one of them.
I don’t mean to take any wind out of your sails. Coming out is a huge milestone, and I’m proud of you for being so secure in who you are. But let it be about you, not anyone else. And incidentally, it doesn’t have to be big and showy to be good fodder for a script.
Now, for the straight guy. I could answer that, but as you said, you already know what I’m going to say. He’s straight. He’ll never reciprocate those feelings. I’m sorry, but that’s that.
But here’s something I wish someone had told me when I was a Terribly Confused Freshman who was hopelessly in love with a straight guy. You’re crazy into him because, having just taken baby steps out of the closet, you haven’t been given access to a great deal of gay men yet. When the numbers are so few, you’re not likely to find someone you click with well, compared to the millions of straight men you’ve met in your lifetime.
Give it time. You’ll meet an awesome guy who’s actually gay. It’ll just take a little while.
And since you’re a writer, let me give you a little advice. Start writing that screenplay of your life right now. The sooner you have complete writing samples in your portfolio, the better. And I, for one, can’t wait to see the movie.
Okay, we get it. You’re hot for Darren Criss.
But my dorm mates and I have been following your Twitter, and we read that you recently (finally!) watched the first season of Teen Wolf.
Can you at least admit that Tyler Posey is as hot as Darren?
Gay Wolf Fratboy
Tyler Posey is definitely a certified hottie, GWF. And there’s no doubt an abundance of babes on that show for the gay eye to feast on.
But if I had to pick a fave, it’s the spazzy, twitchy, hilarious BFF to Tyler’s Scott, the adorable Stiles (Dylan O’Brien).
What? I’m a sucker for hot nerds.
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To ask JT a question, email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Messages may be edited for space.