Hey Tim,

I’m a junior in college, and I belong to a soccer club. My school doesn’t have an actual soccer team – we’re kind of a smaller school – so a bunch of us who are into soccer just started the club last semester.

There’s a guy on my team, let’s call him Alex. We’re the only two openly gay players on the team. The other guys are really cool with us being gay, and it’s never been a thing. I didn’t know Alex before we started the club. It was fun to have a gay “bro,” but I find I’m really attracted to him. I’m not sure if he feels the same way.

Last weekend, he asked if I wanted to work out with him at the school gym. I said sure. He had to work until 5, so by the time we got to the gym at 6 it was mostly empty. After our workout, we went to the locker room to shower. I’d seen him naked plenty of times when we shower with the team, but this is the first time it was just the two of us, so I felt a little nervous. We have gang style showers, so there’s no privacy at all. Anyway, he kept catching my eye in the shower and smiling, and then when we were getting changed he was standing really close to me and kept angling himself so I could see all of him.

I want to make a move, but I’ll be humiliated if I’m wrong and he’s not into me. Do you think he was flirting with me or is it all in my head?

Gay Soccer Dude (Sorry, I can’t think of a good acronym)

Since you’re currently ensconced in higher learning, GSD(SICTOAGA), let’s get all academic up in this bitch.

I know this is kind of an advanced equation, so we’ll go back to basic algebra and break it down as best we can.

flirting = x(y) + n + z

As we know from the renowned Dat-ass-orean Theorem, z must always equal proximity.

Now, if the value of x is equal to dong, and the value of y is equal to waving, then:

flirting = dong(waving) +n + proximity

But how to solve the elusive n?

Since this is an undergrad course, I’ll help you out and tell you that the value of n is eye contact.

Ergo:

flirting = dong(waving) +eye contact + proximity

So the answer?

All together now, class.

YES.

It’s just math.

Hey Tim,

I want your opinion on something. I’m in my mid 20’s, and my roommate is my best friend who happens to be gay. I’m straight, and that’s never been an issue between us. He’s an awesome guy, I love him like a brother, and we bond over a crapload of common interests. My problem, though, is that he’s pretty promiscuous.

He tells me that he always plays it safe, so that’s good, I guess. But it’s like he goes out with a different dude every week and usually ends up spending the night with them. Lucky for me, he usually spends the night at their place. But still, I feel like I should say something. How do I go about bringing it up without it causing a lot of drama?

Straight Best Friend

Uh-huh. Well, yeah, you could definitely say something. Or you can shut the hell up and let your grown-ass friend make his own choices.

Not to be overly dependent on popular buzzwords, but you’re totally slut-shaming your bestie, and for no real reason. So he’s getting a lot of play. So what? You’re not tripping over any dueling skin-swords on your way to the fridge, so it’s not like it’s putting you out in any way.

And honestly, I kinda wonder if you’d be so quick to clutch your pearls if your roommate was straight and hooking up with a different chick every week. (Oh, “clutching your pearls” is gay-speak for “getting upset at a perceive violation of decorum,” by the way. I know it sounds like it should mean “grabbing your balls,” but it doesn’t.)

We’re in kind of a weird place in our societal progression right now, where we want equality for everyone, but straight men are still the only group that get to own their sexuality. When women or gay men take control of the fact that they enjoy sex, and go out and have it, they’re considered “slutty.” Somehow, even now, straight men never get bogged down with that term, no matter how many women they sleep with. It’s not an even playing field.

In short? Mind your own bid-ness and all will be right with the world.

Hey Tim,

You’re usually so good with cocktail suggestions. I’m hosting Easter with my family, and we all love to drink. Any suggestions for something fun? We all have a sweet tooth, by the way.

I guess I could come up with something Peep-related by using a marshmallow-flavored vodka, but there’s one small problem: Peeps scare the ever-loving shit out of me.

So let’s go with the Candy Cosmo, shall we?

Pour one ounce of a fruity vodka, like cherry or strawberry-flavored, into a shaker with ice. Shake it like a Polaroid picture, then pour into a chilled martini glass. Fill the rest of the glass with champagne, top off with a touch of cranberry juice for color, then squeeze a lemon wedge in. If you've got a real sweet tooth, toss in a few jelly beans as a silly garnish.

Sure, it’ll give you all the cavities, but it’s so worth it.

More of the column formerly known as ASK JT! here.

To ask Tim a question, email him at askoleary@gmail.com (and try to keep it to three paragraphs or less). Or you can be super tech-sexy and ask via Twitter.