Hey Tim,

I got out of a rough relationship half a year ago. My ex basically disregarded all the care, love, attention I gave him. I put his needs first over mine and at the end of the relationship, I felt neglected and tossed aside.

Recently I got back into the dating pool and there’s a guy that I’m seeing (let’s call him New Guy). We’re getting pretty serious and I realized that I’m now turning into a needy bitch (which I wasn’t before). Because I felt neglected in my last relationship, I keep trying to maintain constant communication with New Guy to the point that if the day is ending and we haven’t talked or seen each other, I feel really crummy and neglected. It’s not a healthy habit, I know.

My friend says I should find something to do so I wouldn’t be constantly thinking of him throughout the day. Do you have any advice on how to become un-needy? I really like him and I want to go to the next level with him, but I don’t wanna push him away by being clingy.

From,

Needy Lesnicki

What you’re going through is pretty normal, NL. Everyone, no matter how well-adjusted they might be (or think they are), brings emotional baggage from their last relationship into their current one. A friend of mine who’s been married for five years says she never brushes her teeth at the same time as her husband. Why? Her previous relationship ended horribly, and they brushed their teeth together all the time, and so she assumes that killed the magic. Even she knows it’s crazy, but there you go.

The best thing you can do is be honest with New Guy about what you’re going through. Let him know that your last relationship ended with a lot of neglect, and so you might be carrying over a little abandonment issues, but that you’re aware of that and are working on it. Let him know you respect his space, but let him set the boundaries. Who knows? Maybe he loves that you want to talk every night. A lot of people in new relationships do. The only way to deal with this is to talk about it openly.

The only way to become “un-needy” is to evaluate why you’re feeling needy in the first place, and it sounds like you’ve done that. You’re on a good path, NL. Just keep the communication open and honest, and you’ll be golden.

Hi Tim,

There's a guy I'm seeing for about more than a month now and we're having this really great connection. I wouldn't call us 'boyfriends' yet, but in a way, we're exclusively dating since he asked me to stop seeing other guys. I think I'm slowly falling for him and the same goes for him as well. Recently, he told me he MAY be moving to New York for good in about 6-7 months from now since his entire family is there already.

I actually plan on studying in NYC for grad school in 2-3 years and when I told him this, he said we should move in together. That would be a grand idea, but even I'm not sure that will even push through... I live on the other side of the world and tuition is really expensive so I'm trying to get a scholarship for that. My fear is living the lyrics to Paloma Faith's song, "New York".

Do you have any advice on how to go about this? Do I even have the right to talk to him about this situation given the fact that we are not even "official" yet? Any tips for a potential 1st timer LDR?

NYC Bound Or Not

There’s a lot to unpack here, NYCBON, and I’m not even making a cute suitcase pun. For one, you don’t consider yourself exclusive even though he asked you to stop seeing other guys? Dude, that is literally the definition of exclusive. I’m not sure who decided you guys aren’t official yet, but either way it makes me nervous. If it’s you we need to talk about definitions. If HE won’t say you’re official after asking you to not see other people, that’s very, very worrisome and speaks to control issues. But that’s a whole other issue.

You’ve only been seeing each other for just over a month. That’s way, way too early to start making plans to move in together, let alone crossing half the planet to be together.

As for whether you have the “right” to talk about this with him, NYCBON, the answer is yes. In fact, spoiler alert: the answer is ALWAYS yes when the question is “Should my partner and I have an open and honest conversation?”

Here’s the secret to long-distance relationships: they work best when there’s an end date in sight. As long as you know there will be a time when you can be together on a permanent basis, the distance can be dealt with. But if there’s no end in sight, they’re a lot harder to maintain.

Here’s my advice: he might be moving in six months. Use the time you have together to get to know each other, because I’m sorry, NYCBON, but a month is nowhere near enough time to truly know another person. See how you’re feeling half a year from now. If you’ve grown so close that distance seems like the worst punishment imaginable, then revisit your plans. But right now you’re putting the cart WAY before the horse.

Hey Tim,

I have a question about “the biz.” I just moved to New York and have started auditioning, but I feel like I’m getting lost in the shuffle. The last audition I went to had what felt like hundreds of people. I’m primarily a musical theater actress, but I do straight theater as well. Do you have any advice for someone just starting out and has a lot of energy?

Not Just a Chorus Girl

Make your own projects!

New York is filled to the brim with theater, but the downtown scene is where real New Yorkers go to find the good stuff. Hidden gems abound below 14th Street, but they don’t happen on their own. The best thing a young actor can do is make sure she’s always working on something, so get some people together and put on a show. I know that makes it sound easy - which it most definitely is not - but the best way to get seen is to do it yourself. And guess what? You can then start to pad your resume with New York credits. So grab some friends who are writers, directors, and stage managers, put something together, and put it up. And then when casting directors ask what you’re working on, you have a really cool story to tell.

More of the column formerly known as ASK JT! here.

To ask Tim a question, email him at askoleary@gmail.com (and try to keep it to three paragraphs or less). Or you can be super tech-sexy and ask via Twitter.