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Ask O'Leary: How To Get Out Of Going To Bars

Hi Tim,

I have been friends with "Betty" for many years. We usually get together every week for dinner to catch up and gab - which is great!  The problem is that every so often she wants to go out to the bars and I don't. I don't know if it's just me being introverted and anti-social (which I can be sometimes) and I should just get over it, or if I am justified in not wanting to go. And if I am justified in not going, I don't know how to extricate myself without hurting her feelings.

I'm just not good in bars. I have a slight hearing problem, so I have to ask people to repeat themselves over and over. Every time we go someone gropes me and I spend the rest of the night furious. Betty smokes and I don't, so she'll disappear for 45 minutes to go smoke. I don't enjoy drinking, so I don't drink when we go out. I feel like she's taking advantage of the fact that I don't drink, so she can go crazy drinking and close out the bar. If we go to the bar at 8:00pm, it means we're there for 6 hours!  And each time it starts getting late she starts getting super flirty with the men and I feel like I'm responsible for her. When she's sober, she's told me she doesn't want to go home with anyone, but Drunk Betty definitely feels differently. So I end up trying to talk Drunk Betty out of something Sober Betty wouldn't do.

These evenings are starting to make me resent her, but I can't figure out how to tell her I don't want to go anymore. Am I being unreasonable?  Should I just suck it up and be her designated driver?  Or is there some way to extricate myself from this and keep our friendship?

Thanks,

I Want to be Friends, But Not that Kind of Friends

Time spent with friends should be restorative and relaxing, IWTBFBNTKOF. They shouldn’t stress you the eff out. If you find the time spent with a friend drains you of energy and/or makes you furious, just don’t do it.

Bar-oriented nightlife isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and if Betty is really your friend, she’ll appreciate that. No one has to give a reason for why they don’t like to go out and drink.

When you have the conversation, put all the focus on the fact that it’s the bars themselves you can’t stand and leave her behavior out of it, because no one likes to feel judged.

And here’s the other factor. You’ve been groped at these places, and groping is sexual assault. If she can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to return, she’s not a real friend.

But it sounds like when she’s sober, she’s pretty rational. My guess is she’ll be understanding. Emphasize you love spending time with her and wouldn’t give up your weekly dinners for the world and you should be okay.

 

Hi Tim,

I recently met a guy online. It was a long-distance situation that grew from weeks of emails, text messages and skyping. We decided to meet over a weekend to determine if the chemistry remained. The weekend had some clear indicators that there may be issues: there were hurt feelings and damaged expectations on both sides, but we attempted to regain/maintain our connection. Who I met online and who I physically met were two very different people.  We had similar emotional needs but who and what wanted were very different.

Ultimately, we severed our relationship the other night. This was not my initial intent but that was indeed the outcome. I was feeling hurt after a couple of recent text messages that came out of left field. I thought about it and finally opted to send a response to the texts, thinking maybe we could open up a dialogue and actually grow from it. What I received was a vile, hurtful and unnecessarily abusive response that called me a few choice words, insulted my house cleaning, and finally attacked my dogs.  He further stated that he had been testing me and that he was glad he found out who I truly was before I could hurt him any more and that he had already met someone else.

My problem is that his words contained the same narcissistic arrogance and passive/aggressive behavior that my ex had subjected me to for 12 years. This exchange has brought all those feelings back to the forefront. How do I put it behind me? Will I ever?

S

Let’s put one thing on the table right now: if any human being says to another human being they’ve been “testing” them, that human being is f*cking bonkers. Run away, child. Run away.

Unfortunately, S, you’ve fallen victim to the darker side of online dating in that you met one such bonkers person. I’m sorry you had to experience that. It’s one of the dangers anyone faces today in our virtual world.

As you yourself said, the person you came to know online and the person you met in real life were two different people. Here’s your takeaway: if that happens again, let that be your red flag. People can be whoever they want to be online, which is why catfishing is so damn easy. It’s important to meet in real life as early as possible in cases like these - before you can start to develop feelings.

As for how you get past the emotional baggage of this experience as well as your ordeal with your ex, the best way to do that is to talk about it, either with a therapist or a really sympathetic friend. I’m actually a big advocate for therapy, because it’s an hour that’s devoted completely to you, with no distraction. When you have a real issue to deal with, that can be invaluable.

I hate to sound like I’m making a “Buck up, there, little soldier” speech, but here’s the silver lining: that guy’s out of your life now, freeing you up to find someone who’s actually worth your time. If you do meet this person online, make sure to meet up in real life as soon as possible. You know how they say 90% of communication is nonverbal? It’s totally true. Get coffee, grab a drink, play a round of miniature golf … anything that involves face-to-face time. That way you’ll have a better idea of what you’re dealing with.

Hey Tim,

I have a really weird question for you. I’m a gay man with a really active libido, and am in a great monogamous relationship with my boyfriend. We have sex four to five times a week, which is sort of his max, but I need more, so I masturbate on the days we don’t have sex. The thing is, I’ve also been masturbating early on the days when I know we’re going to have sex at night. Is that okay? Is it selfish? We still have great sex at night, but I feel like I’m double-dipping. What do you think?

Magic Hands

If your solo acts aren’t taking away from your time with your guy, MH, by all means spank away. Everyone loves slapping around their own junk, so if you don't need to stop, why would you?

As it happens, May is National Masturbation Month, so by going extra rounds with five-fingered choker, you’re actually doing your patriotic duty.

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