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Ask O'Leary: "I Feel Like A Straight Man Trapped In A Gay Man's Body"

Hi Tim,

I’m a gay man in my early 50’s and have just started dating a guy in his late 30’s. He’s amazing, in great shape, has a wicked sense of humor, and is a generally kind, benevolent human being. But I’m on the younger end of my group of friends, and they all relentlessly make fun of me for dating someone so much younger, and sometimes even insinuate that I’m doing a disservice to gay men of my own age by dating someone younger.

I have no desire to break it off with my guy. How do I explain to my friends there’s nothing wrong with our situation?

Silver Fox Dating Younger Otter

Seriously?

In the grand scheme of age differences, late 30’s to early 50’s barely lands on the radar. Sure, you’ll have different pop culture references and nostalgia triggers, but come on - you’re both firmly established in your adulthood. Not exactly scandalous territory.

It sounds to me like your relationship isn’t what needs defending, but rather your choice of friends. Here’s how I would explain it to them: “Mind your own damn business.”

Dear Tim,

I'm 24 years old and dating a pretty good guy. But since coming out I've been dealing with discomfort about my sexuality. I feel as if I'm doing something dirty with my boyfriend and I'm embarrassed to introduce him as such.

I suppose I feel like a straight man in a gay man's body. I've always imagined myself with a woman and having a family with her. The trouble is, my attractions don't match the way I want to identify. And this doesn't really have anything to do with negative reactions from friends and family.

I suppose the closest I can come to describing it is that it's similar to the way a trans person would feel about their gender, except I feel that way about my sexual orientation. Is there a way for me to deal with this?

J

I know that you’re struggling with some real conflict here, J, so I’ll be as gentle as I can when I say that what you’re going through doesn’t really have any correlation with the transgender experience.

Trans people have a gender identity that is in direct conflict with their biological bodies. And that’s just the beginning. What you’re experiencing, from the vantage point of my arm chair, looks like regular old-fashioned internalized homophobia. You’re not a straight man trapped in a gay man’s body. What you are is a gay man who feels uncomfortable with being gay.

However, you can’t be that uncomfortable with it, seeing as how you’re dating a guy and are out to your friends and family. So that’s a really good start.

Before you can “deal with” anything, you have to figure out where your issue originates, and it sounds like you set up an expectation of your adult life - being a husband to a woman, and a father - that's pretty standard. But unfortunately, your orientation doesn’t jibe with that expectation. But it’s 2015, dude, and people are really coming around to the idea that not every family is going to look like exactly the same.

What worries me most is you think you’re doing something dirty with your boyfriend by being intimate with him, and you’re ashamed of your relationship. Have you talked to him about this? He deserves to know you’re having these feelings.

Every now and then, someone writes to me with issues so deep-seated that I really only have one thing to advise: talk to someone much more experienced than me. If I were you, I’d make an appointment with a therapist.

And while I’m in the topic of deferring to more accomplished ears...

 ______________________________

Usually I post a softball question at the end of each question, but I’m going to stray from my routine this time and let you guys know the time has come for me to take a little breather from writing Ask O’Leary. It’s hard to step away from a column I’ve been writing every week for four years, but the lusty temptress called Hollywood is taking up so much of my time these days, and giving advice is something that deserves one’s undivided attention.

Shameless plug: Feel free to follow me on Twitter, Facebook, and www.timolearyonline.com!

I want to thank everyone who submitted their questions over the years, as well as everyone who offered their two cents in the comment section. I hope I was able to give usable advice. I learned a lot about the kind of problems people face, and based on that, I’d like to give some blanket advice for anyone who might be struggling in the future:

"If it makes you feel bad, don’t do it."

"Online dating can be awesome, but meet in person in a safe, public place as soon as possible."

"It’s totally okay if you’re a virgin. Yes, even if you think you’re way too old to be a virgin."

"Bisexual doesn’t mean someone’s equally attracted to both sexes. Just that they have the capacity to be attracted to someone of either sex."

"Just ask him out. Just do it."

"Here’s how you find out if someone’s gay: ask them."

"Here’s how you find out if someone’s into you: ask them."

"Here’s how you find out what someone likes in bed: ask them. Then do it. A lot."

But if that’s a lot to remember, I can simplify it by quoting two philosophers who are far wiser than I could ever hope to be. Remember these words, my friends, because they’re the key to living a long and happy life....

"Be excellent to each other. And party on, dudes."

Ask Tim O'LearyMore Ask O'Leary! here.

(Love you guys.)

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