YOUR FAVORITE LOGO TV SHOWS ARE ON PARAMOUNT+

Ask O'Leary: Why Did Russell Tovey's Comments Hurt So Much?

Hi Tim,

I was talking to my friend about the recent fiasco with Russell Tovey, and we couldn’t agree on this issue, so we figured we’d bring it to you. I think what he said was unforgivable, but my friend said he was just being honest and telling his story and his truth, and we should respect him for being so candid.

When he says it like that, it sounds wise. How do I tell my friend how I feel and sound as well-thought out as he does? Because I can’t let go of the fact that what Russell Tovey said most likely really, really hurt people’s feelings, and totally reinforces the anti-femme cruelty within the gay community.

Ticked Off Former RT Fan

Well, you can start by saying his comments probably really, really hurt people’s feelings, and totally reinforce the anti-femme cruelty within the gay community, because that sounds pretty good to me.

But seriously, about our buddy Russell. I think one of the reasons his words stung so much - I know this is the way I felt, at any rate - was that we want to elevate those in our community when they make it big, because it’s still so rare. A gay actor who is bankable in both gay and straight roles? That’s a small fraternity. (Sidebar: one pretty much exclusively populated by white men, but that’s an issue for another day.) When one of our own makes it, we want to cheer them on.

But by turning around and saying he’s glad he’s not effeminate, it feels like a slap in the face to the very people who want to celebrate his success. Our fabulous effeminate brothers are just as much a part of our community as Russell Tovey. Imagine if you’re a young, effeminate gay teen who really looks up to the actor... and then you read his quote.

Now, that having been said, I don’t like the climate we have now with social media where one misstep is all it takes to make everyone reach for the pitchforks and torches. If you read the entire article, it’s clear Tovey struggles to find the exact wording to express his thoughts, and maybe he just really, really missed the mark. Furthermore, he mentions a horrific episode from his past where he was attacked by two thugs who cut his head with a knife simply because he was wearing a cardigan, and he bled so badly he thought his throat had been slit. The view from my armchair shows it’s possible this trauma resulted in him being anxious to look tough.

Why do I bring this up? Because Tovey, like a few of us here and there, is a fallible human being. Sometimes he does the right thing, sometimes he doesn’t.

Does that excuse what he said? Not really. Celebrities will always say dumb things now and then in interviews, and the Internet will always be around to vilify, write counterpoint articles, and then move on to the next scandal. But it does maybe give us some perspective.

So the best way to sound as wise as your friend when you discuss this? Don’t say what he did was unforgivable, because only a Sith deals in absolutes. Acknowledge that the point your friend is making is valid, and then gently add your two cents without trying to change his mind. The person who can see both sides of the argument is most often the wiser.

And now for something completely different!

Hey Tim,

I’m a 22-year-old gay dude. I’ve always had a completely smooth chest, but this past year I started growing chest hair. I hate it! I decided I want to get rid of it, and while I was thinking about it, I figured it was time to “trim the hedges,” too. Problem is, since I’ve never been very hairy down there either, I’ve never even approached any grooming. Any advice for a first timer? Should I shave or wax? I hooked up with this guy recently who was completely bald down there and it was pretty cool if just for the novelty, so I’d like to try that at least once to see how it feels.

Thanks!

Twink on the Verge

Testosterone’s a bitch, huh? For all the good it does us - like letting us do pull-ups and have boners - it also does what it wants when it comes to body hair. Just wait till it starts growing on your back.

As for waxing vs. shaving, both come with their pros and cons. Shaving is cheaper, significantly less painful, and you can do it yourself, which is great if you feel weird about strangers getting all up in your bid-ness. But the skin underneath your briar patch is very sensitive (a lot more sensitive than your chest), and shaving can irritate the hell out of it.

Waxing, on the other hand, tends to give a better overall product since it’s done by professionals. It also lasts a lot longer, but is more expensive and has the capacity to hurt like a mofo.

My advice would be to go for the full Bro-zilian at least once, since you want to give it a shot anyway. After that, you may discover keeping things neatly trimmed is preferable to full on bareness, in which case time to invest in a nice set of clippers.

Hey Tim,

I'm sure you've seen this already, but if not I wanted to point out this amazing piece from the Huffington Post about gay marriage written by a heterosexual married woman. It brought tears to my eyes, and thought you'd like to share it.

H

Thanks, H! I did catch this, and yes, it got the waterworks flowing. I'm thrilled to share it with as many people as possible. Also - SPOILER ALERT - you will do the ugly cry when you get to the part where she texts her husband.

Ask Tim O'LearyMore Ask O'Leary! here.

To ask Tim a question, email him at askoleary@gmail.com (and try to keep it to three paragraphs or less). Or you can be super tech-sexy and ask via Twitter.

Latest News