Ask O’Leary: Are Wild Oats Worth Breaking Up Over?

Dear Tim,

My husband and I have lived in Los Angeles for nearly three years.  We have friends (gay and straight), but we could use more, particularly other couples to hang out with.  We’re not looking to hookup, swap, swing, or anything remotely like that.  I think we’ve been to a gay bar twice in the thirteen years we’ve been together.  We like to explore L.A., grab dinner, see a movie, etc.  Do you have any advice where we could find couples of similar interest?


<Insert Witty Salutation Here>

If you were single, <IWSH>, I’d advise you to try out one of the various social sites for single people looking for friends and not dates. I’d also suggest you could join a local club of whatever variety suits your tastes, or try your hand at volunteering.

My advice to you as a couple is pretty much the same – the only difference is the website part. Fortunately, you’re not alone in the looking-for-couple-friends-but-not-swingers pool, and for couples like you there’s a site called

Kupple makes it very clear it isn’t a swinger site, and also that its services are for both straight and gay couples, and everyone in between. There’s a free registration, and then you’re good to go. I’ll be honest – it doesn’t seem like the perfect site, and there’s a lot of room for improvement, but it’s a start.

However, if you’re less website-inclined, volunteering is a great way to meet people, and a good place to start is at your local gay and lesbian community center. Most LGBT centers stay afloat on the strength of their volunteers, and guess what? Volunteers tend to be good-hearted people. With volunteering, you up your chances of meeting a friendly gay couple and get to do good deeds. Two birds, one stone.


What would you do if you met your fave “not gay actor” in either a crowded or deserted place and really want to ask for some photos? Would you go and ask or just hide and take picture like the paparazzi. I’m afraid it would be awkward/strange since I’m way taller than “the actor”.

crazy gay fan

Uh … you know what? The “crazy” part of your salutation gives me pause. I think it would probably be best if you just stayed far, far away from this actor.


Hey Tim,

I have been seeing a guy for about 8 months. This is my first proper relationship and in fact my first experience of anything that wasn’t just sex. I think that I love him and he is very important to me, my friends like him and overall he is a wonderful guy.

However before we started dating I had very little experience (he’s only the fourth guy I’ve ever hooked up with in real life). I’m beginning to feel a bit constrained and  think it’s because I want to have a chance to experience my wild years while I’m still young.

The problem is that I really do like him and don’t want to break up just because I feel I want to try out more things (for the record he is slightly older and more experienced). Is there any way to break up that won’t leave me feeling awful? Or do you think I’m being stupid and shouldn’t throw away something great just because I feel there are more options out there I want to try?


Unsure in London (I have never been sure if people actually write these or you make up fun ones for them, if the latter sorry)

For the record, UIL(IHNBSIPAWTOYMUFOFT,ITLS), I don’t make up the acronym signatures, but leave that up to the creativity of the writer. If they don’t leave a creative signature, I’ll just use their first initial. But it’s always fun to see what people come up with.

Getting to your question, your sexual needs are valid and not something to be ashamed of. Want to have wild times? Let your boyfriend know. Tell him that you want a chance to have the same wild stories he has. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to break up with him to do that. There is a middle ground between sowing your wild oats and staying in a strictly monogamous relationship with your guy.

Since this is your first relationship, chances are you probably breezed over the “rules” part and just assumed a relationship meant 100% monogamy. But many, many couples have all sorts of rules that they go by. Some people are totally cool with having an open relationship, and in those circumstances some prefer a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, while others are fine with gossiping about their outside tricks. Other couples mostly play just the two of them, but every now and then enjoy the company of a third party.

The key is to learn what your boyfriend’s preferences are, and share yours. Always be tactful. Don’t just blurt out that you want to bang other people. And then, most importantly, really listen to what your boyfriend says in response to that.

Because, dude, if he’s as good as you say he is, you don’t want to throw him away.


Ask Tim O'LearyMore ASK O’LEARY! here.

To ask Tim a question, email him at (and try to keep it to three paragraphs or less). Or you can be super tech-sexy and ask via Twitter.