Ask The Expert: “I love my partner but I hate Valentine’s Day”
Q: After years of being single, I think I’ve finally found the fellow I’ve been looking for. He’s wonderful—and snarky, just like me.
This will be our first Valentine’s Day together and here’s the deal: I’m just not one of those red-roses-and-dark-chocolate kind of guys. In fact, I hated Valentine’s Day equally when I was single (albeit for completely different reasons) and now that I’m in love.
Who can really get behind a holiday that is all about crass commercialism and the monetization of love for profit? So here’s my question: Is it pointless even trying to find a way to celebrate our love for each other this year?
A: And I thought I was snarky! Of course, you’re right about capitalism having captured Valentine’s Day. The last time I checked, nearly 200 million VD cards were put in the mail every year, with an additional 15 million e-cards delivered last year. This is not to mention the way roses double in price for this special holiday. Or, that since the 1980s the diamond industry has really raked it in promoting jewelry as the perfect gift for Valentine’s Day. Basta! right?
Having walked right up to the ledge with you, let me try to help us down.
When all is said and done, my best advice is to just be yourselves. I’ll bet you’ll find some very entertaining cards online to fit the bill. Two of my favorite snark cards include these 21st century takes on old themes: “I want to grow old and disgusting with you” and its sister card, “Big dinners make me drowsy so let’s do the sex part first.” (Each of these are accompanied by Victorian imagery so the contrast between words and pictures will bring a crooked smile to almost anyone.)
Then, there are the cards at someecards.com, which really give me a lift with their double entrendres and overall naughtiness:
“Congratulations on being my first repeat Valentine”
“Join me for a girls’ night this Valentine’s Day to celebrate our independence before we drunk text our exes and quietly sob ourselves to sleep.”
Want to take it a step further? Visit KinkyCards.com (you’ll need to say that you’re over 18 and won’t send the card to anyone not 18). There you’ll find a wide selection of e-Valentine cards, naughty and nice, with an especially good selection for same-sex couples.
My favorite: A traditionally styled card with a not-so-traditional image of a leather-clad dominatrix slapping her girlfriend’s derriere as pretty little pink valentines hover above. Or another featuring candy hearts imprinted with the words “obey” and “spank.”
Then, I might suggest we get over ourselves and flip this capitalist paradigm on its head. One of my favorite LGBT non-profits, The Trevor Project (which helps fight suicide among young LGBT’ers) is seeking funds this month for a “special February 14th session of TrevorChat for young people in crisis, available all day long to anyone feeling lost, lonely, or worse. Here’s their calling card:
♥I'M HERE♥ on Valentine's Day and you can ♥CALL ME♥ anytime at ♥866.4.U.TREVOR♥. I do it all ♥4 U♥ because you’re valuable, ♥UR SPECIAL♥ and your life is important to me.
ONE CLICK CAN SAVE A LIFE. Become a TrevorChat Valentine, today!
One last point: We haven’t really talked yet about what your boyfriend might enjoy–and that’s a crucial part of the equation. Even if he’s snarky and sarcastic 364 days of the year, this holiday does often have the power to turn grown men (and women) into romantic saps right before our very eyes.
Yes it’s true: You can love the love and hate the commercial crassness. That’s why I suggest talking with each other right away about your expectations for this little holiday.
The worst thing of all that could happen is that you end up disappointing this man; spending too much on a bouquet of red roses or a box of dark chocolates in a red satin box is nothing compared to that.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
