Q My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement: She insists we visit her family this year for the holidaysâeven though Iâm pretty sure her mom canât stand me because she thinks I âmadeâ her daughter gay.
Plus, I want to start our own tradition here at home. I canât seem to get the notion across to her that weâre a family, too, now. Time is running shortâso what do you suggest?
A Iâve always appreciated the difference âTales of the Cityâ novelist Armistead Maupin makes between âbiologicalsâ (your blood family) and the âlogicalsâ (those whom you choose to love). Indeed, itâs very often in the LGBT community that our chosen friends and lovers take on the role of familyâwhether to stand in for birth families that may have shunned us or because of the shared experience of growing up âdifferentâ and coming out gay.
If you and your girlfriend are in a serious, committed relationship, however, thereâs even more of a precedent for not putting âbiologicalsâ at the center of your holiday traditions; lots of couples, LGBT or not, do their own celebrations this time of year, as you probably know.
But you also raise an issue that is specific to gay folks: What do you do when one (or both of you) isnât welcomed into the fold?
 To answer that question, talk with your girlfriend about specific incidents in the past so that she understands them well enough to explain to her mother. Do they not invite you along with her? Do they treat you differently than any opposite-sex boyfriends or girlfriends of their other children? Have they made homophobic comments in your presence? I can certainly understand your resistance to spending time with her parents under such circumstances; and itâs really up to your sweetie to make this right â or at least palatable â for you.
 (On a personal note, I had a previous lover whose mother would never acknowledge me in her presence; it was painful for me to be âan invisible manâ at her table and yet she refused to change. In the end, we stopped visiting as a couple and my lover saw much less of his mom as a result.)
But the fact is that it is up to the two of you to decide what makes you both comfortable, whether itâs joining your (or her) parents, starting a new tradition for yourselves, or a combination of events. If there are any rules governing these kinds of decisions, itâs these two: Invent what works for you and your partner. And communicate your plans to friends and family early (and often if necessary).
Here are some suggestions to keep in mind this holiday season:
⢠No one says couples have to be together every holiday: Many LGBT partners spend their holidays apart. Some enjoy their own parents and siblings more than their partner does and relish the chance to spend that time together, especially if there are traditions they are not ready to give up. This is not even to mention the fact that many LGBT people are not out, in which case bringing along a partner just wonât work.
⢠Considering doing both: For instance, if you really feel strongly about skipping her familyâs celebration, do something else on your own or with friends, and then also have that celebration at home with herâstarting your own tradition, as you say. This may require a little flexibility with timing if your holiday doesnât happen to be Hanukkah, with its generous eight days to work with.
⢠Alternate: Would your girlfriend agree to skip her family holiday this year if you promise youâll accompany her next year? Or do Thanksgiving at one place and the end-of-year holidays at the other.
⢠Shake it up. What if you were to invite her family to the new tradition you are hoping to establish at your home? Maybe it wouldnât be so bad on your own turf.
Whatever the two of you decide to do, remember to consider all the angles. It sounds like your girlfriend is close to her family, in one way or another, and thatâs not a bad thing. You didnât mention your own family, but if youâre not on the best terms with them or simply donât have a birth family, it can be hard to understand how it feels to have traditions with them, for better or worse, that you just donât want to miss out on.
Steven Petrow writes for the Huffington Post and is the author of the forthcoming book, âSteven Petrowâs Complete Gay & Lesbian Mannersâ. To ask him a question: ask@gaymanners.com
