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Ask the expert: How do I communicate with my partner?

My husband of six years and I just don't communicate well! We have the occasional unpleasant flare-up, but our bigger issue is simmering long-term dissatisfactions. I'd like to blame it all on him, but I know it's a two-way process.

We're both 50ish and have each had previous long-term relationships. He's clearly uncomfortable-in fact, aggressively unwilling-to discuss any substantive relationship issues.  He habitually answers my question with a question--even if I simply ask what he might like to do on any given day.  He interrupts, talking over what I say if he doesn't want to hear it.  He pulls "facts" out of thin air, adamantly refuses to check them, and will put words in my mouth, too!

I'm sure I can be accused of being a know-it-all, but it's hard to avoid growing annoyed when I can't get a straight answer.

We do love each other and value our commitment to each other.  He's great in the crunches, while I'm good at faithful long-term support. But our day-to-day desperately needs improvement, and I suspect our long-term relationship depends on it.  And, no . . .  he's not willing to do relationship counseling, because he doesn't see any problem!

Help.  Please.  And thank you.

-Dissatisfied in Beaverton

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Dear Dissatisfied,

Most couples' problems stem from poor communication. When the process breaks down, so does emotional safety. Once emotional safety diminishes, it's hard to feel connected to your partner, making the long-term health of your relationship progressively worse. You're right to feel that improvement is greatly needed.

The main obstacles to communication-interrupting, interpreting, reactivity and defensiveness-all get in the way of partners relating to each other.

The problem is that when most couples argue or have a conflict, they don't have dialogues that would let them communicate, they exchange monologues. I call it the shoot-and-reload technique. While one partner is "shooting"-voicing judgments, reactions and negativity-the other partner isn't really listening. Instead, he's "re-loading," thinking up judgments, reactions, and negativity to shoot back.

Essentially, your partner is trying to convey a message. Most often, you're sitting in your own reactivity, waiting your turn-not truly listening or hearing your partners' point of view.

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When you say that it's a two-way process, you're absolutely correct. I am glad that you own responsibility for your part of the problem, since that makes communication all the more hopeful. Most people see their partners as being at fault and don't admit their own contributions to the nightmare brewing between them. For most issues in any relationship, both partners are accountable.

Even if your partner won't go to counseling, you can bring the therapy to him. As long as you're willing to take initiative for finding help and bringing solutions to help the relationship-and he is willing to make an effort toward resolving conflicts-that's all you need.

The Intentional Dialogue, a technique I learned from IMAGO Relationship Therapy, transformed my work with couples and helps them communicate. It's a wonderful communication exercise that I use with almost every couple I treat-including my own relationship with my partner.

Intentional Dialogue has three parts-mirroring, validation and empathy, and it involves and receiver.

One partner, the Sender, offers information-on one topic, in short declarative statements starting with "I . . ." until entirely finished with the thought. The Receiver doesn't interpret, diminish or amplify the message, but simply reflects back what was said, until Sender says, "There's no more."

Deceptively simple, isn't it? For example, if your partner asserts, "The moon is made of cream cheese," you-as Receiver-reply, "I heard you say that the moon's made of cream cheese," and then add, "Did I get that right? Is there more?"

"Yes," your partner might say, "and when they build a spaceship to the moon, I'm going to go up there with a big Tupperware bowl and spoon and get all the cream cheese I can get!" Then you respond, "So when they create a spaceship that takes humans to the moon, you're going up there to get all the cream cheese you can! Did I understand you? Is there more?"

Some people complain that this sounds too mechanical and contrived-even condescending. I agree, it is mechanical and contrived, but not condescending-as if you replied, "Of course the moon isn't made of cream cheese," thus imposing your reality (even if it is the reality) onto him. Problems arise when we try to correct, interpret and judge our partners, so the Intentional Dialogue has us follow their line of thinking, not ours!

This Intentional Dialogue counteracts critical and judgmental behaviors like dominating a conversation, interrupting, interpreting what you think he's really saying, finishing his sentences, or remaining close-mouthed and not paying attention By closing off all these bad approaches to communication, the Intentional Dialogue sets it up so the Sender can be heard and the Receiver can actively listen.. Dialogue continues.

I recall when my partner and I first learned about this Intentional Dialogue. Were Mike and I in such bad shape that we'd have to converse like this for the rest of our lives? Then it wasn't worth it! Yes, it did feel tedious and mechanical-and it is! But after practicing it for a while, we found that we understood each other more accurately, more thoroughly. We now use it only if we've become too reactive. But it's saved us from a lot of arguments that would have otherwise spun out of control and leave us hurting each other's feelings.

We don't Dialogue Intentionally all the time, and neither will you and your partner. But if you practice it, when issues come up, you'll have an effective tool to keep your conversations calm, connected, and meaningful.

After having heard your partner, you-as Receiver-validate him by nodding. "What you're saying makes sense. I can understand why you'd feel this way." You're not agreeing with his point of view, simply validating it-affirming the way he views the world. Yours isn't the only way to view any conflicts in your relationship!

In our society, what makes one person right makes their opponent wrong. Again and again, we gays and lesbians have been told that what we think and feel is wrong, so this kind of validating can be hard. Telling someone, "That makes sense" can feel like a stretch, especially when you don't agree. All you need is to temporarily suspend your point of view and let your partner's reality surface-for you both to consider. You maintain your own opinions, while validating his.

This technique has helped many couples I have counseled, and I hope it works for you.

Joe Kort, MA, MSW, is a psychotherapist who specializes in gay affirmative therapy, relationship therapy, sexual addiction and sexual abuse. He provides training to straight clinicians around the country and is the author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love, and Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician.  He is an adjunct professor at Wayne State University, teaching gay and lesbian studies. His website is www.joekort.com

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