Ask the Expert: ‘I can’t get hard enough for intercourse!’

Q In the past, me and my boyfriend have attempted anal sex and have failed miserably.  I cannot help but feel that it is my fault because the main problem is that I cannot achieve a hard enough erection in order to properly penetrate.  

 I’ve tried everything from different positions, to cock rings and even Viagra, but I was still unable to get my dick hard enough to penetrate.   I feel like I have exhausted all my options.  Is there anything foolproof that would help me? Do I just need to practice more? 

Or am I just a person unable to partake in giving anal intercourse?

A Anal sex can be complicated whether you are gay or straight. It is vulnerable for both the partner giving as well as receiving. You sound like you have done some really good things to rule out the physical problems which could have been causing the problems. It sounds like it might be more psychological.

What bothers you about anal sex? Many gay men don’t enjoy it, neither giving nor receiving. And that’s okay—you don’t need to engage in anal intercourse to have a great sex life.

Lesbians (actually, women in general!) have taught us men that sex is not measured by counting orgasms or the number of times we have intercourse, or even whether we have intercourse at all.

 In your case, do you hold negative views about anal sex? If so, realize that for some gay men, that aversion is a symptom of internalized homophobia.

 If raised in religious homes, they may have internalized negative messages that homosexuality—particularly anal sex—was “dirty” and wrong. Do you feel that way?

Do you have worries about power and control? If so, you might perceive anal sex as an arena for acting out roles of domination (feeling unjustly powerful over someone) and submission (feeling “taken”, passive, emasculated)?

If you were ever sexually abused, that negative, traumatic experience can often create later reluctance to accepting sexual advances from partners—and even your own sexual impulses. If you feel aroused by anal sex in pornography, but not in reality, that could be the result of internalized homophobia—buying into the notion that “having anal sex makes you really gay.”

And it also means you don’t like feeling truly vulnerable to your partner and may have all sorts of motives for avoiding deep intimacy, stemming from your childhood.

Aversion can stem from worries about hygiene, or not knowing what positions will feel comfortable for you. Ironically, I worry about how gay sex is portrayed in porn—and now, in movies and mainstream TV —making it all seem so easy! When I saw Brokeback Mountain, I thought “Ouch!”

 The first time two men want anal sex, they don’t usually know how to go about it—much less in pleasurable, non-painful ways.

Read some books and visit websites that discuss anal sex. The best book I have read on the topic is Jack Morin’s Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women.

Joe Kort is a psychotherapist, coach, and author who has been in practice since 1995. He specializes in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy as well as IMAGO Relationship Therapy, which is a specific program involving communication exercises designed for couples to enhance their relationship and singles to learn relationship skills. Dr. Kort is also a Board Certified Sexologist specializing in sex therapy and sexual identity. He is also a Certified Sexual Addiction therapist. For more about Joe, please visit Good In Bed.