I have a relationship question. I’m a 37-year-old gay man and I haven’t had a relationship for a number of years.
I find that the guys that I’m attracted to are not into me in that way. I find that I’m not into the men who do express an interest in me. I’m more mature now and know that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. But I’m an attractive gay man and find straight women constantly lamenting the fact that I’m gay. I know that I would make a great partner for someone.
What are your thoughts on sexual attraction? Am I missing out because I am looking for sparks to fly? I recently met a nice guy that is sweet, we have lots in common and the relationship is going places. However, I’m not very attracted to him. Should I give it some time and hope that the attraction will grow? At my age should I be more concerned about stability and commitment than sexual attraction?
-Darito, Boston, Mass.
Dear Darito,
I don’t think that at the age of 37-years-old that you should have to be more concerned about stability and commitment than sexual attraction. Hold out for sexual attraction. Research shows that if you don’t start with some sexual spark and attraction it is unlikely that you will be able to ignite it later in the relationship.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you have healthy self-esteem: you describe yourself as mature, attractive and someone who would make a great partner. That is the first step closer to finding Mr. Right.
It is true that it is what is on the inside that counts – that should not be overlooked. As people mature and get older (and I say both, because so many people get older without maturing), they start to recognize that it really is more about what is on the inside than the outside.
That said, it is still important for people to have at least some sexual spark and interest in a partner. It doesn’t have to be the over-the-top sexual explosiveness that they show in romantic movies. Aspiring to that is only aspiring to the first 6-18 months of any new relationship. After a year or so, even the hottest couples will find reduced desire for sexual desire and attraction.
I have sat with couples who both look like models. They are beautiful on the outside and the inside – and yet they come into therapy talking about feeling sexually disconnected and not attracted in the way they used to be. It is our job to learn ways to revive sexual desire by adding novelty and variety.
The one thing I hope you are not doing—that I see so many gay men do—is sticking to one type of guy you are attracted to and without giving other types a chance. So many gay men say they are into bears, twinks, men of color, Middle Eastern men, Asian men, etc., and they refuse to stray from their type. I try to coach gay men to at least try dating men outside of their “type” so they are not limiting themselves.
If you’re not actually turned OFF by this this man, I would continue for a few more dates and see if sexual attraction or some sexual energy surfaces. Sometimes sexual energy comes after a few dates when something sexy about a guy’s personality turns you on or something happens between the two of you that sparks a sexual connection.
However, if a spark is not ignited, than tell the guy the connection is not there and keep dating.
Single people sometimes forget that you get to be selective when you date. You get to choose what kinds of things you want and don’t want. It isn’t negative to have a “want” and “don’t want” list, as long as it is flexible and isn’t so long that you are rigidly limiting your choices too much.
Hang in there and wait for the right sexy guy – whether it is how he looks or how you feel when you are around him. He is out there, you just have to keep dating.
Have a relationship question? Ask Joe Kort in the comments or submit your question here.
Joe Kort, Ph.D. is a doctor of clinical sexology and a licensed clinical social worker. He is a published author and national speaker.
